About an hour and a half ago I was at work, and was asked the single strangest question ever while there.

So I had to take this “large” (read: morbidly obese) person’s groceries out. This was an adventure in itself: The lady had to use the fucking grocery cart (which held a whopping 3 light bags, eggs, and milk; good thing I was there to assist her, she may have busted a hip trying to lift all that!) to prop herself up just to make it out, and by the time we reached her truck she was out of breath. Anyways, the funny part is what she asks me half way there, in one of those I’m-pretty-sure-I-already-hate-you-but-just-to-make-sure kinda voices:

“What nationality are you?”
I was confused… “Um… American. You mean like what’s my heritage?”
“Yeah, whatever.”
“German/Italian.”
“Oh.”

…Ok, if you don’t know me, go to the photobucket link off to the top right of this page and look at either the Missoula or Spokane Concert photo gallery, where you’ll find a few pics of me. Yeah, I’m about as fucking white as you can get without being asked “are you sick?” I mean what did she expect? That I was half Saudi and Congolese? Maybe she thought I was one of them albino Iraqis you see all the time on the news, given the tone of voice was more of the “cautious” sort of curiosity.

Christ, I don’t know. Maybe being wider than most door frames affects your vision.

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Well, that does it for my summer. My senior year of high school starts tomorrow; vacation seems to fly right by when you have one of them fangled job-things. But it’s a bit strange to think I’m now one of those “big scary” people I remember seeing back when I was a wee tot in 7th grade… I can recall all sorts of “senior antics” from back then, like watching two of them tackle a sophomore on pavement and try to shave his head. Not that they succeeded, and the cops were later called, but it was damn funny all the same. Of course, in the wake of people discovering “hey, those little loser kids aren’t too shabby with guns!” things like paddling/initiation have more or less disappeared. Imagine that…

Anyways, hope everyone else had fun, I sure did. Not that I accomplished anything, aside from two concerts and mild attempts at being social (in real life even!). But seeing how I spent most of last summer worrying about and inevitably failing to shoot a movie, this was quite nice.

Good night! I’ll see most of you reading this tomorrow.

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Initially this was going to be two posts, but I figured I could kill two birds with one stone…

As of last Sunday, I have been employed for a whole year at our local grocery store, making a solid $5.15 an hour. I know, you’re jealous. And just for shits and giggles, I’d like to run down some of the more “interesting” aspects of my job thus far:

Dumbest, most consistent question: “Do you work here?” I have been asked this A) While facing the person, ensuring they can read the lettering on my shirt that names the store and B) While stocking bread off of a 6′ tall rack to the shelf. My instinctive response is “No, I’m just doing manual labor for FUCKING FUN,” but I manage to get a hold of myself and respond with a pleasant “yes”.

Strangest thing witnessed: Woman opens a carton of a dozen eggs and proceeds to count them. Yes, she opened the box and pointed at each egg, and as far as I know, the only purpose for doing that is counting.

Favorite moment: Yelling at children. It’s such a satisfying feeling…

Least favorite moment: Far too many to name, but in general, doing the work of whoever was on the night before me, because they’re retarded/lazy ranks up there a ways.

Best kinds of customers: Drunks! Entertainment for the whole family!

Worst kinds of customers: The one’s who bring in their noisy, seemingly half-retarded children and DON’T tell them to be quiet when they scream/yell/make constant noise for 10+ minutes. Coincidentally these are the types of people who, in addition to not being allowed to breed, should be shot.

All in all, it hasn’t been that bad a job so far. I’m not a moron so my bosses don’t hate me, and despite making minimum wage, I’ve got enough money to support my hobbies (like this one)…

Which brings me to the site. One whole year, again, as of last Sunday (I’ve opted to celebrate a week late for the hell of it). Certainly doesn’t seem like I’ve had it up that long, but to be honest things didn’t REALLY get going until oh, the evening of December 13th. I gave the link of “the suicide post” to a friend, and things pretty much exploded from there. Fun facts about the site from the last year:

Blogs started by other people as a result of this one: 3

Number of those I helped to kill: 1

Number of teachers who’ve commended my writing here: 3. And not just “aww, you’re such a good writer!” Nope, I’ve gotten full on “you’re hilarious” comments from them. Given the content and vulgarity of my writings, I really wasn’t expecting that.

Number of times any of my opinions have been destroyed/successfully argued against: O. I’m not an egomaniac, but I’d love to see just one decent argument against one of my opinions. I know it’s possible. Sadly, the only people who put up an argument at all are the ones barely tall enough to get on rides at amusement parks.

Favorite comment(s): Whoever the anonymous “THS student” here was. I could probably get more intelligent comments from someone smashing their head on a keyboard, but they wouldn’t be nearly as funny.

Favorite post: I’m really proud of my “Dave” post at the moment, but I’m fairly confident no more than 3 people understood it. So other than that, “Heil Das Hat Hazi” is a particularly shining example of my writing abilities. Strangely enough, that post sat as a draft that I had no intention of ever using for about 3 months before I went back and added another page or so of text to it (inspired by the Reich’s- er, school board’s- new set of rules).

And that’s about all the completely useless trivia I can think of concerning my job and this site over the last year. But I’m curious, what’s everyone’s favorite post here? Even though I have a pretty good idea, please leave a comment mentioning yours.

You may have noticed the logo at the top looks just a bit different. My original plan was to come up with some terribly clever new logo to commemorate this “event”. Alas, whatever I came up with was political-looking (which I’m absolutely not aiming for), so I’ve settled with just spiffing up the text for now.

Anyways, thanks to all the regulars for your comments and spreading the word about this site. Nearly 2,600 hits in a year, hardly any of which were referrals from search engines… I must be doing something right. So here’s to another year of mocking and ripping apart all things illogical, hideous, and above all, stupid.

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You should believe in invisible bunny rabbits. Why? Well, take me for example: I worship Dave, the all-powerful invisible bunny rabbit. Now, I don’t have any proof that Dave exists, but I feel it in my heart that he does. Oh sure, like everybody else I’ve had moments where it felt like somebody was standing behind me when in reality, no one was there at all. You know, that simple feeling inside that something behind you exists, when you have no evidence whatsoever that it does? And then you turn around and your feelings are proven wrong… Bah, you know what I mean. But having faith in Dave isn’t like that, obviously.

Anyways, Dave can do all sorts of things that defy the basic laws of physics (talk, sit cross-legged in a chair and discuss the finer points of feudal farming systems, walk on water, etc). Well, that’s what I’ve read anyways; I’ve never actually seen it. But who cares? I’ve devoted my life to worshipping and following his teachings, that’s what matters! He doesn’t want me to do some things that look like a lot of fun, though, but no worries: ‘Tis a small price to pay- not living this life to the fullest, I mean- because when I die, I get to be an invisible bunny rabbit too! Well, again, that’s what I’m told… You see, I don’t have a single shred of physical evidence that I’ll become an invisible bunny rabbit when I die. You know, like an invisible rabbit coming back and saying, “Hey, no seriously, it’s all true man!” or even the great Dave himself telling me that I’m on the right path. Nothing!

But here’s the kicker: That’s the point! I mean, Dave only wants the blindingly ignorant to follow him into that great crop of carrots in the sky. He just can’t have those straight-thinking types (scientists, the sane, etc.) that do silly things like question whether such a being can exist, eating all his carrots! Dave loves everyone, yes, but unless you follow his directions explicitly he’ll send your rabbit soul to India, where they’ll make stew and various superstitious trinkets out of you for all eternity. So, be sure and follow Dave’s Six Sacred Bullet Points in life! They are:

• Strict diet of carrots.
• You MUST have at least 6 children. The number of wives is irrelevant. Can’t conceive? Off to India with you!
• You MUST castrate* yourself after having said amount of children. This is Dave’s way of insuring you don’t go lusting after the neighbors, their dogs, or, well, anything.
  *Dave says women must simply stick a cork in “it”. The majority of Davidians interpret this literally, but many have found duct-tape to be a more effective solution.
• Strictly heterosexual relationships. It’s not that Dave hates gays- well, he really doesn’t say he loves them… Pfft, you know deities: Always vague and forgetful! Honestly, all-knowing deities can’t PREDICT the future and plan accordingly in their books! It’s more of the fact that you can’t accomplish point number 2 without having said type of relationship. Your happiness, like the number of wives you have, is also irrelevant.
• No working on Thursdays! Dave created the solar system in two months, but he always took Thursdays off to kick it and eat carrots. Thus, you should too.
• Kiss your parents’ ass your entire life (no spitting on their graves!). Even if they abuse you. And molest you with a baseball bat. They’re your parents, dammit!

For these points and more, along with some nifty color pictures not offered by most Holy Scriptures, pick up The Holy Book Of Dave wherever cult reading material is available!

I know, I know, you may have heard about or even read Dave’s first draft of His Holy Word, where he tells you to beat your children with sledgehammers if they disobey you, gouge out your own or loved one’s eyes if they look upon any rabbit (all of which are holy and sacred) in hunger or lust, that whipping your slaves (Dave prefers Native Americans, since they don’t serve any other useful purpose) is not only smiled upon, but mandatory, and that NOT working 7 days a week will land you in India. Dave was merely joking around when he wrote that! An all-knowing deity like Dave can’t be contradicting himself, so he was obviously just messing with us! Fuck, people can be soooo narrow-minded sometimes!

But if you’re even asking yourself why you should bother following Dave’s Six Sacred Bullet Points, I hope you enjoy the harsh, fecal-matter-strewn climate of India. Dave does not take kindly to questions about His rules. In fact, only by saying you’re really, really, sorry will he forgive you for committing such a sin. See? Dave is all-loving! You just have say, “I sorrys sir, it won’t happen again,” and you’re forgiven! Zip-Pow, done! You go to Dave’s Paradise instead of some filthy country filled with poorly bathed inhabitants.

Again, it all boils down to having FAITH in Dave! Haha, I mean, it’s so simple! You just tell yourself that He exists based on vague mental sensations and viola: You get to be an invisible bunny rabbit when you die!

You’d have to be some sort of moron NOT to have faith in a deity like Dave…

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You see that? Do you see it? No seriously, stare reeeeallly hard at that. Got it? Comprehend that that’s a vehicle? Ok, now: Explain why, in the name of all that is logical, decent, and RIGHT in this world, somebody would put themselves INSIDE that in public. Can’t do it? Neither can I.

Scion xB is the technical term for painfully ugly these days, and apparently it’s a very desirable characteristic, since I see them all over the place now. The really strange thing is I don’t see the little handicapped logo on license plates for them; why isn’t this required? Anyone who wants to own one of these is obviously either completely blind or outright retarded. Fucking hell, just LOOK at it! It’s like a clown car, only instead of being purely for comedic effect, it’s meant to be “hip” or “edgy” or some other buzzword I’m glad isn’t in my everyday vocabulary. And it comes in bright orange for crying out loud! Do you see the irony in giving this vehicle a color scheme that’s often used by hunters to avoid being shot?

You’re probably saying to yourself, “Pft, beauty is in the eye of the beholder” or something to that effect about now. You know what? There’s some things in life that simply are NOT good looking, no matter how you look at them. A breakdown of the other things:

- Emo kids. In a nutshell: Guys in girl’s pants. Who wear makeup. Strikingly similar to transvestites, only depressed and uglier.
- Goths. As fun as living like it’s Halloween everyday must be, having six pounds of black makeup on your face, fangs, and an faux obsession with death is just slightly sadder than having Down Syndrome.
- Tribal “armband” tattoos. They’re just too original and exciting looking.
- Disgustingly overweight women in belly shirts. I covered this in an earlier post, but essentially, they’re the bionic form of a Scion.
- 95% of the accounts on Myspace. Having shitty streaming videos that no one but you cares about, 50+ monstrous pictures one after the other, and bright text on a bright background all on the SAME PAGE certainly strikes me as something only a color-blind monkey would do, but by the looks of it, that’s just me.
- Heartogram tattoos. A rant unto themselves, but honestly, it’s the same as tattooing “kick me” on yourself.

I simply ask that you once again scroll up and stare really hard at that thing, and please, if it “clicks” after a few minutes that it’s the coolest looking thing since God invented lightning, tell me. My stomach begins to churn after gazing at it for just five seconds.

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A couple of things going on around here…

1. All the video stuff (7th act & my page) is down for the moment. I’ll have it fixed soon, since I just discovered the amount of storage space I have has doubled since I signed up for Connect Your Web’s services. I have some room on my own account for all my crap now, whee!

2. If you or anyone you know is using KVIS as a service provider and is having trouble viewing this site, contact me. They were messing with their routers and did something to mess up connections to my site for anyone using them.

3. There’s now a link to my Photobucket account off to the right, seeing as I have several coherent albums in it. Do you care? No. But it’s there all the same.

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Wow. To be honest, I could sum up the entirety of the show I attended Wednesday night in that one word. But when it comes to posting here I’m not one to be brief, so you’re damn right if you’re thinking I’m gonna drag this out as much as possible. However, for those of you lacking an attention span and/or interest in good music, I’ve included bolded summaries at the beginning of each description. You’re welcome.

So I can now add Soilwork, Killswitch Engage, and As I Lay Dying to the extremely short list of bands I’ve seen. I can’t say As I Lay Dying was too impressive, but the other two most certainly were. Then again, there’s just something about seeing two bands you’ve been in love with for 3 or 4 years live for the first time…

The show took place in Missoula, which is only a 4 hour drive. Considering most bands of this caliber don’t play anywhere closer than Seattle, that’s an excellent deal (and being from the middle of nowhere, 4 hours is nothing). Basically, this was an on-the-way stop for the three bands: They’re all on Ozzfest, which was heading to Seattle the next day, so they opted to drop by Montana on the way from Minnesota. A college town in the middle of summer, you’d think nobody would show up… Wrong.

The doors opened at 6:45 pm and my brother and I were some of the first in, meaning we made it down to the third row with no problems at all. It wasn’t PACKED, but given the above, it was pretty full. The venue was a theater that holds about 800 (including a balcony), had fans in the ceiling (ensuring that I wasn’t dripping sweat by the end of the show), and there were seats. Since I’m not into moshing, that didn’t bother me at all… Just meant that I didn’t have to be on my feet for 2 & 1/2 hours straight.

On that note, there WAS moshing (and stage diving; more on that later), contrary to information on the ticket. It was the 10 feet between the stage and the first row of seats, granted, but it still got going pretty good. There were points during the KsE set that it was nearly all the way around me, which was momentarily worrying.

Onto the important parts…

Soilwork:

Amazing. For the uninitiated, up until about 2002 Soilwork was one of the best melodic death metal bands. Then they went in different direction, abandoning their more thrash-y influences almost entirely. I personally love both sounds because I’m not a whiny elitist bitch, but that’s just me.

They kicked off with Stabbing The Drama (one of my favorite songs of theirs) and promptly went into Bastard Chain, which was a thoroughly pleasant surprise. I would’ve preferred something like Needlefeast or Neurotica Rampage (I doubt they’d go any further back than A Predator’s Portrait, but I would kill to hear Sadistic Lullaby live), but it was great. The rest of their set included One With The Flies, Nerve, As We Speak, Rejection Role, and Follow The Hollow. All great songs, though Speed introduced “Rejection Role” as if it were something incredible. It’s a good enough song, but pales in comparison to the rest (considering FNF is their weakest album).

All around, great performance by them. Their sound quality was easily the best, though the keyboards were a bit low in volume. They also hid Sven (keyboardist) in the back… Not that there was much room for the guy anywhere else, but still, most of the time Frenning was standing in front of him. Anyways, I hope they come back to the northwest headlining in the future, unlikely as that seems, because that short of a short set didn’t do much justice to their six album history.

As I Lay Dying

Meh. I’ll be honest, I was not impressed. From what I know they’re fairly revered in the metalcore community, but on stage they seemed really generic. The lead vocals weren’t very interesting, with there being only 3 songs where they briefly used clean vocals (94 Hours, Confined, and Forever; not coincidentally, those were their strongest songs), and the lead guitar was pretty much drowned out. Which was a shame, because I could occasionally hear some really nice sounding parts… Oh well. I wasn’t there for them.

Killswitch Engage

Fucking insane. This describes both the band and the crowd during the set, actually. Killswitch Engage is infamous for Alive Or Just Breathing, an album that’s hailed as nothing short of amazing by TONS of critics and fans alike. Metalcore at it’s finest. I would’ve loved to see their former vocalist (Jesse Leach) live, but Howard Jones is just as spectacular. He’s got the necessary range, that’s for damn sure…

I have to mention, above all else, Adam Dutkiewicz (one of their two guitarists). Aside from the respect he gets and deserves for being an amazing musician and producer, he’s hilarious to watch. Through most of their set he was acting like a complete dork: Either striking poses, blowing kisses to the crowd, harassing other members of the band, dawning a top-hat, or mocking the stage divers. All of this is a bit funnier if you actually know what he looks like I suppose, and there’s plenty of pictures at the link below, but above all it showed that they were having a great time the whole night.

In terms of sound quality, it got muddy at times and the vocals were occasionally drowned out, plus the crowd was going berserk most of their set anyways, so that didn’t help. But the band made up for any problems with sheer energy, including a couple times where Howard let the crowd sing several of the song’s choruses (with good results).

I can’t remember what they opened with, but I’m pretty sure it was A Bid Farewell (or something else from End Of Heartache). They played a very nice balance of material from AoJB and EOH, including Self Revolution, Numbered Days (two of my favorites), Take This Oath (with Adam filling in for Jesse’s guest vocals on the track, with complete grace), and all their singles including When Darkness Falls. I would’ve liked to hear Temple From the Within and To Sons Of Man just because I’m really interested in hearing Howard do them, but overall it was a damn good set.

The really great part of the night came halfway through their set. After a fan had made his way on stage and put up a fight getting off (probably drunk), Howard announced “Alright, if you guys wanna stage dive, that’s cool. Just make sure nobody gets hurt. And NOBODY gets fucking kicked outta here, alright?”

Insert chaos.

From there on, every 5 seconds somebody was jumping off stage, including people that were a good 50 lbs. too heavy to be doing any sort of diving, period. It was complete madness, with half a dozen security guards and staff members on stage at times trying to keep things in order. Howard missed a couple lines here and there, since he couldn’t help but laugh at a few of the people diving… Some did back flips, one asshole mooned the crowd (cheap pun, fully intended), one idiot held up a Nonpoint shirt for some reason before diving off, and some girl licked Howard’s face before jumping. He seemed a bit disgusted, though he didn’t get a look at her (which really wouldn’t have helped). On a side note: I personally don’t understand girls stage diving in skimpy outfits, given the almost entirely male mosh pit they’re jumping into. But there were quite a few doing it, so I guess they enjoy the anonymous groping?

Howard and Adam on the stage diving after about three songs:

Adam: “This has to be, by far, some of the worst stage diving I’ve ever seen in my entire life! But, BUT, it’s also the most fun I’ve had on the tour so far.”
Howard: “Yeah, so you guys may be failing, but you’re failing with style.”

The crowd managed to chant loud enough to get KsE back onstage for an encore (again, I can’t remember what song, but it may have been Breathe Life), and they closed the night to a deafening roar of approval from the crowd. My ears were still kinda ringing 24 hours later…

As with the Blindside show, we waited for things to clear out then headed back inside (Jed, I thank you for telling me about this incredibly obvious way to go about meeting band members; If I weren’t so deprived, I may have thought of it myself). I missed him on the way out the first time, but Peter Wichers (Soilwork’s guitarist) was standing by their booth signing things and such. I got a picture with him and my brother got a poster signed. It’s funny, I get to meet somebody from one of my favorite bands (and whose abilities I really admire despite not playing guitar) and there’s a dozen things I want to ask them (and there were few people around at that point so I had ample opportunity), but all I could blurt out was “Wow, I love you guys”. In hindsight, I should’ve asked him about the alleged DVD coming out, above all else.

Alas, he was all that ventured out of the back to meet the fans (should’ve asked if I could maybe meet the rest of the guys; for some reason I think that might’ve been possible), so it was pretty much straight home from there.

I took a grand total of 109 photos while the show was going on, but the really amazing thing is I didn’t notice at all that I was taking so many. Which was nice; wanting to take good pictures of something has a tendency of ruining the experience itself. Overall they turned out decent (uploaded 62), but most are a tad blurry or have ghosting, and only a handful turned out perfect. The lighting was good and we were close to the stage, so that helped a lot.

Pictures:

Soilwork, As I Lay Dying, & Killswitch Engage at The Wilma Theater In Missoula.

I also took some video clips that aren’t nearly as bad as the ones I took at Blindside’s show. Granted the audio is still complete garbage, but visually it’s pretty cool. It’s all Soilwork and Killswitch Engage, and I managed to get some of the chaos from the latter’s set captured.

Video:

Soilwork & Killswitch Engage (6.66 megs; the size number is out of sheer chance, btw)

And that’s all there is. I’m sure most of you enjoyed scrolling to the bottom of this post in 3 seconds to avoid straining yourself reading it. Don’t worry, I’ve got some more rants coming up very soon.

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Do you subscribe to People Magazine? Have you ever fretted over a celebrity’s personal problems? Do you often spend hours wondering if Brad Pitt is making the right decisions with his life?

Yes? Well then, I’ve got just the thing for you: Self-immolation. All the kids are doing it! In a nutshell, you get to experience fire up close and personal while providing a dazzling display combining screams of agony with the fresh smell of burning flesh for onlookers. It’s quite easy too! Just pick up a couple gallons of gas (don’t worry about the cost, you won’t be needing money after this adventure), douse yourself, light a match, and poof! People has one less subscriber, you’ve just given your local fire department something to do, and the world is now a better place. With results like this, how can you delay?

Honestly, when you spend any waking moment concerning yourself with the personal affairs of celebrities, especially movie stars, you can’t NOT afford to off yourself! Just think: If you act now, the chances of you reproducing are slim.

Oooh, but do you already have offspring? That’s ok: Simply burn all your People magazines with you as your children watch! Imagine: You’re not only setting an example for them by taking responsibility for your mistakes, but also ridding the world of a completely useless jumble of pages that gets passed off as “news”.

A bit drastic you say? Perhaps. However, I can’t think of a better way for anyone who spends any portion of their life concerned with what a celebrity does in their spare time to leave the world. It’s quite tragic that such people exist in the first place; I mean, I love the social dynamics of high school just like I love being bitten in the crotch by a badger, but applying them to people you don’t even know well after high school has ended is not just sad, it’s downright pathetic. There’s a reason domestic animals exist, and it’s not bestiality (though I’d condone that over somebody subscribing to People). Or if you don’t want to deal with the mess a pet offers, get into RPGs. A bit more expensive, yes, but you’ll feel just as important playing one as you did reading People for all the “inside scoops” on celebrities. Plus, PLUS, you get to kill the characters you see. You simply can’t do this with People; trust me, I’ve tried. And you can make friends with an IQ higher than 8 by playing an online RPG! They may be social recluses, but look at this way: It takes a massive world filled with AI characters, real people, quests, and hours of challenges to entertain them, whereas your average People subscriber would be mentally stimulated for weeks by a shitty picture of some A-list celebrity drinking coffee and trying to ignore the herd of (allegedly human) asshats attempting to photograph them. Some minds are more easily amused than others, true, but the mind of a People subscriber is like a deformed child: It works ok, but you generally don’t want one around.

So there you have it: Kids, don’t subscribe to People. Don’t even buy it off the newsstand. Trees need to be put to better use than this, as does your time. Play in traffic, poke yourself with discarded hypodermic needles, inhale the stuff under your sink, but for the sake of humanity, don’t give People Magazine any money.

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