People Magazine: News for the mentally handicapped

Do you subscribe to People Magazine? Have you ever fretted over a celebrity’s personal problems? Do you often spend hours wondering if Brad Pitt is making the right decisions with his life?

Yes? Well then, I’ve got just the thing for you: Self-immolation. All the kids are doing it! In a nutshell, you get to experience fire up close and personal while providing a dazzling display combining screams of agony with the fresh smell of burning flesh for onlookers. It’s quite easy too! Just pick up a couple gallons of gas (don’t worry about the cost, you won’t be needing money after this adventure), douse yourself, light a match, and poof! People has one less subscriber, you’ve just given your local fire department something to do, and the world is now a better place. With results like this, how can you delay?

Honestly, when you spend any waking moment concerning yourself with the personal affairs of celebrities, especially movie stars, you can’t NOT afford to off yourself! Just think: If you act now, the chances of you reproducing are slim.

Oooh, but do you already have offspring? That’s ok: Simply burn all your People magazines with you as your children watch! Imagine: You’re not only setting an example for them by taking responsibility for your mistakes, but also ridding the world of a completely useless jumble of pages that gets passed off as “news”.

A bit drastic you say? Perhaps. However, I can’t think of a better way for anyone who spends any portion of their life concerned with what a celebrity does in their spare time to leave the world. It’s quite tragic that such people exist in the first place; I mean, I love the social dynamics of high school just like I love being bitten in the crotch by a badger, but applying them to people you don’t even know well after high school has ended is not just sad, it’s downright pathetic. There’s a reason domestic animals exist, and it’s not bestiality (though I’d condone that over somebody subscribing to People). Or if you don’t want to deal with the mess a pet offers, get into RPGs. A bit more expensive, yes, but you’ll feel just as important playing one as you did reading People for all the “inside scoops” on celebrities. Plus, PLUS, you get to kill the characters you see. You simply can’t do this with People; trust me, I’ve tried. And you can make friends with an IQ higher than 8 by playing an online RPG! They may be social recluses, but look at this way: It takes a massive world filled with AI characters, real people, quests, and hours of challenges to entertain them, whereas your average People subscriber would be mentally stimulated for weeks by a shitty picture of some A-list celebrity drinking coffee and trying to ignore the herd of (allegedly human) asshats attempting to photograph them. Some minds are more easily amused than others, true, but the mind of a People subscriber is like a deformed child: It works ok, but you generally don’t want one around.

So there you have it: Kids, don’t subscribe to People. Don’t even buy it off the newsstand. Trees need to be put to better use than this, as does your time. Play in traffic, poke yourself with discarded hypodermic needles, inhale the stuff under your sink, but for the sake of humanity, don’t give People Magazine any money.