So there I am at my place of work- the local grocery store- not all that far into my shift, when I head to the bathroom. Now, you’d think there’s only so many ways a tale with this sort of beginning could go. But you’d think wrong. Oh yes, ’cause not even I, with my tragically long experience working for such a place, foresaw this…
Sitting atop the toilet paper dispenser I found the following:
Upon seeing the “money within” bit at the bottom, I decided further investigation was required and very carefully pulled at the edge to open it (you see, my first line of thought was “great, somebody probably smeared the insides with something foul”). And lo-and-behold, there is a crisp one dollar bill stuck inside. No lies! No trickery! What ever could be at the helm of my good fortune?!
Why, God of course!
Yep! God gave me a dollar! Well, his PR department did at least. Aside from the dollar bill, on the inside was quite a lot of text that gave me something to giggle over on my break later that evening. I present to you now, that text (and you can view the object here, least you think I’m making this up):
Please don’t throw this away, it contains valuable information
Nonsense, you can’t fool me! It contains a dollar and a buncha those word thingies that nobody can do anything with! You have any idea what I can get with just a dollar in this town? Alcohol AND women!
Why give away money? There are four reasons: First. As a small token of apology for the fact that so many have asked for money in the name of Christianity. Christians should be giving to the community, not taking from it.
I gotta admire the effort they put into feigning a guilty conscience. Giving back to the community by throwing a dollar in a public restroom is like saying you’re funding medical research by giving a gynecologist a quarter.
The second reason is to ask you an important question. Do you consider yourself to be a good person?
Omg! Absolutely!
Let’s look at the Ten Commandments and see if you are. Have you ever told a lie?
Shit!
Have you ever stolen anything? (the value of the item is irrelevant). Have you ever used God’s Name in vain? Jesus said, “Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Have you ever looked with lust?
Check, check, check- Wow, I’m in deep twouble. Oh noes!
If you are guilty of breaking those four, God sees you as a “lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer at heart,” and the Bible makes it clear that you will end up in Hell. But there is good news.
I can save 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico?
Even though we broke God’s law (the Ten Commandments), He became a man to pay the fine. Jesus suffered and died on the cross (taking our punishment upon himself), then he rose from the dead…
To be perfectly honest, I’d have rather saved on car insurance.
God doesn’t want you to go to hell.
Of course not! He just wants you to feel unbearably guilty your entire life. He’s like a crazy old man in a robe, laughing and prancing about in the clouds while pointing at humanity saying, “Ha, HA! Now apologize! Apologize or I’ll unleash my locusts!”
The third reason for giving you money is to show that you have faith. Perhaps you are saying, “How can I know if the gospel is true?” Maybe you felt the same about this gift, but you had enough faith to open it and see if a dollar was inside.
Well, I did have faith that there was something inside. Sure, I was expecting some sort of joke and/or feces, but hey, I had faith!
Do the same with the gospel. This gift was mere money. God’s gift is everlasting life — so what are you waiting for? You may not have tomorrow…
Yes, that’s it folks! Have faith! Blindly obey! And hey, what’s the worst that could happen? Well, aside from pissing away your life doing things you’d rather not because you were led to believe there’s a reward at the end. But OTHER than that, everything will be peachy!
The fourth reason: The information you are now reading was hidden from you by the money. The Bible says the things of God are hidden from you because of your sin. Allow God to wash away your sins and your eyes will suddenly be open to a whole new realm.
Pray something like this: “Dear God, today I turn away from all my sins (name them).
And just forget about any good deed you’ve done: You’re an awful person, and that’s all there is to it. Keep that in mind at all times.
I put my trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior
Sorry, I’ve already invested all my trust in Dave. And let’s be honest, Dave’s story is far more believable.
Please forgive me, change my heart, and grant me your gift of everlasting life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.” Then read your Bible daily, and obey what you read.
Or God will cast you into the fires of blah blah blah… Come on, it’s gonna take far more than fear mongering to scare anyone that isn’t a fucking idiot- Ooooh, I get it. Ha, nevermind.
Go now to www.livingwaters.com and click on “Save Yourself Some Pain.” There you will find important principles that will help you grow in your faith.
Their website is a fascinating adventure to be sure, what with their “are you a good person?” test that calls you a sinner even if you claim innocence on every charge, and a javascript counter that ticks off the number of people who died every second after you opened it, citing that most of them are going to hell. Suffice it to say, it’s evangelism gone wild.
There’s no reason to take issue with someone solely because they’re religious- some of the greatest people I’ve ever met are dedicated Christians. But there’s striving to be a good person through faith, and then there’s handing out dollars and trying to guilt trip people into believing your way of life is correct. And while greed and idiocy are a fantastic combination, I think I’ll pass.
So no, Living Waters, I won’t allow your God to “wash away my sins and open my eyes to a whole new realm.” You know why?
‘Cause I’ve got a dollar, I’ve got a dollar, I’ve got a dollar hey hey hey hey…
Comments(1)
