Well, after four months it would appear I have something (very nearly) worth posting. Similiar to the last one, this was originally a bulletin on Myspace that I found… Silly. Occasionally, I see these things float by- a long list of reasons why state “x” is awesome- and I’m content to just ignore them. However, this time I found one that had not only that, but reasons why another state is even better. The following is my response bulletin, enjoy.

So someone from California made a big ol’ list of why they rock, and then someone from Montana made a response saying “nuh huh, I’m better to infinity !!!1″.
I can see it posted four different times on my bulletins.
I thought that was a load of hodgepodge.

See, every state/segment of population has flaws.
Allow me to demonstrate:
(original post in italics)

CALIFORNIA:

- I can wear sandals all year long
Congratulations, you live in a warm climate! Good thing half the population of Earth doesn’t too- those Californians, goddamned special is what they are.

– I go to the Beach - not “down to the shore”
You’re on a planet that’s 70% water. WHO KNEW.

–Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well…Miami can hang.
They’re also the origin of the valley girl stereotype. Like omg, I bet ur sooo totali prowd!!

– I say “like” and “for sure” and “right on” and “dude” and “totally” and “peace out” and “chill” and “tight” and “bro” and I say them often
So do Jr. High dropouts. Enjoy flipping my burgers.

– I know what real cheese & avocados taste like
I think most people would break into a fit of laughter if someone actually told them this.

–Everyone smokes weed and its no big deal
Go smoke a joint in front of a cop.
No no, go for it.
I’ll be waiting for the pics.

–We’ll roll up 40 deep when something goes down.
You’re sheep. Hooray!

–I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American’s!
Until they stop doing all your lowly, shitty jobs for you and demand better wages. Then you deport them and cry about it.

–All the porn you watch is made here, cause we’re better and thats how it is
No, you just have more failed actresses and girls who lacked enough brain power to get a job at even McDonalds.

– I don’t get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear
I’ll give five whole fucking dollars to the first person who can explain why this matters in the least.

– I know 65 mph really means 100
California’s education system: Doing an epic fail right into the 21st century.

– When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont fuck around on the road
*is rendered speechless at the utter hypocrisy at this following the last point*

– The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border)
Good, you’ll get liver cancer sooner.

– My governor can kick your governors ass
My governor can speak clear, distinct english and hasn’t sexually assaulted six women.

– I can go out at midnight
And unless you’re under 16, so can everyone else in the U.S.

–You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you’re from, you give your area code
Because stereotypes are awesome.

– I might get looked at funny by locals when I’m on vacation in their state, but when they find out I’m from California I turn into a Greek GOD
I’ve never been anywhere that admired Californians. Seriously. When you drive by, nobody sees your plates and goes “OMG I HEART YEW”. They say unpleasant things and hope you die in a fiery car accident, at best.

– We don’t stop at stop signs… we do a “california roll”
And when you get t-boned into a coma, it’ll have been worth it.

– I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day
So can Texas, and any other state with a southern border. Again, you’re not really that unique.

– All the TV shows you “other” states watch get filmed here
Actually, your fucking ridiculous tax laws make a lot of them shoot in Canada. But almost.

– We’re the Golden State. Not the Cheese State. Not the Garden State…..GOLDEN!!!
Yay! Gold! It was important back in… the 19th century.

– We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them)
Gogo obesity!

– I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more than yours, which means I’m better than you
Congratulations, you’re a Nazi! Or nine years old. Something to be proud of either way.

– The best athletes come from here
O.J Simpson was pretty awesome, I’ll give you that.

*****IF YOU’RE FROM CALIFORNIA, REPOST THIS***IF YOU’RE NOT, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY******

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And here’s Montana’s equally mind-numbing points:

Unless you live in montana, you suck. Here’s why:

– Like anywhere else in the world, we too can wear sandels whenever we want..
If only we could spell “sandals”.

– Correct, we don’t go to the beach, we go to the shore. You know what else we don’t have? Shark attacks. 0 attacks in 1000 years. It’s true, look it up.
Shark attacks in the last 3 years in California: Two.
Bear attacks in Montana in the last 3 years: Over a dozen.
Nature can fuck you up no matter where you live, don’t get high and mighty.

– Your girls are NOT hotter than ours… In fact, they are almost equal… and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye… We have the real ones and they can beat yours up.
Montana: Violent tendencies > intellect.
California: Looks > intellect.
*sigh*

– We’re taught to say “Yes Sir” and “Yes Ma’am” and respect our elders because of it. We also say “Howdy” and “fixin” and “Yall” are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world We’re famous.
Respect without reason is akin to following without thought. You’re a moron for it. And we stole that dialect from the south, so, no.

– You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like… but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes? Oh yeah, our potatos come out of the ground too, not out of a box.
That’s right, here in Montana, our potatoes are cultivated right in the fucking back of the store. No really, that’s not a full of shit, ignorant retort. Not at all.

– Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done…
My dad can beat your dad up! Nuh uh- I bet my brother could beat up your dad! No way! YEAH HUH!
…What are we, seven years old?

– I live next door to americans, but we call them mexicans(that’s right)
And the point is…?

– Why would you brag about not getting snow days off?
Good question.

– When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big ass truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california.
Yawp, we luf our big ol’ trucks, ’cause nobody never taught us what gas mileage was.

– I too can go out at midnight, AND, I can walk down the street. ANY street that is, without being robbed by kids with guns.
Visit Billings.

– You judge people based on their area codes? Sad. We have one area code because that’s all we need.
Aw, they came so close to making a point, but failed miserably with the second bit.

– Yeah, you’ll definitely get looked at funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french.
Because here in Montana, we’re uncultured and poorly educated just enough that we can’t tell the difference between France and California.

– Of course you don’t stop at stop signs… none of you can drive.
Broad sweeping generalizations for the win!

– Our state is NOT full of porn stars, but we fuck better then them anyway.
We fuck better than people who make a living fucking? Yeah, sure.

– You can get “real” mexican food. So because a person from Mexico cut up the tomato and stirred the beans, that makes it taste better? Last I heard you can’t even drink the water down there.
In other news, no one was talking about Mexico itself.

– Your athletes are better than ours? How did the Lakers, Raiders, Clippers, or A’s do last year? How about the year before? Oh and btw, Boise State won their bowl game last year and was the ONLY team in college football to go undefeated.
…Ok, that was a win.

– and remember the drinking age is 21 and we start at 14, 19 if we live close enough to canada….which is a little cleaner than your bordering country.
See my previous statement in the California version.

– On second thought, maybe you should forget I said all of this because it might lead to more Californian’s coming up here and ruining our state the way they did California’s. Yeah, just stay there.
OMG NOT NEW PPL! WHAT WILL WE DO?!!!

People can, and will, suck. Doesn’t matter where you live.
You’re no better than anyone else.
Grow up.

- Your friendly neighbor, Chris Balboni.

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