So there I was Monday night in downtown Bozeman, “helping” (different rant) with a junior’s film shoot. This particular scene that we were shooting involved a drunken truck driver swerving around a road at stupid speeds and (in the film’s reality) running the fuck over a suicidal immortal. Having a nifty truck, I was elected to be the drunk. Naturally a scene like this calls for road closures, so a permit was obtained, the appropriate people notified (police, city, nearby residents), and “road closed” signs put up at every entrance to this street. I mean, we can’t have me smashing into oncoming traffic.

Now, keep in mind these are real “road closed” signs; the sorts they’d put in front of a cliff leading down to infinity and/or an enormous barrel of demonic monkeys. And just in case those didn’t work, we even put up big fancy orange road cones (the five feet tall kind) on the sides. Allow me to illustrate this:

As you can see, my path is safely blocked off, right? WRONG. First rehearsal of the shot, I come barreling down (about 30 mph) the road, swerving and all that jazz. Just before I get to the camera, a white car comes pulling through the barrier in the top right of the illustration. Now I was already pressing on the brakes because I only wanted to get a feel for the action (hence, rehearsal) but had I not been, they would’ve got a side full of S10. That wasn’t the first car of the night to do that, but it WAS the first (and thankfully only) one that could’ve hurt something. Strangely, the sound guy is the only other person who was just as confused and concerned as I was, so we move some cones and even went as far as pushing one sign back between parallel parked cars (leaving zero room for maneuvering around). Alas, we couldn’t do that with all the signs…

I don’t know if there’s a word or phrase to accurately describe what took place over the next half hour of shooting (shocking, utter failure of the theory that people are born with common sense comes close, I suppose). But I spent most of the time between takes around the corner (where the truck is in the illustration) waiting for action to be called via cell phone since I was out of earshot. As a result, I had a chance to observe a lot of traffic being introduced to the signs, and these people generally fell into two groups:

Group A – Mentally challenged, but cautious. These people would drive right up to the sign after turning onto the street, and proceed to sit there for several minutes. I imagine conversations in their vehicles went like this:

“Road closed… Huh.”
“What’ddya think that means?”
“I’m not sure. Don’t look like we can go around. That’s just odd. Why would anyone put up a sign like that?”
“Beats me… Couldn’t be anythin’ serious like a busted pipe under the road or maybe some construction.”
“Obviously.”
“Huh.” (picks nose)

In two cases I flashed my brights and, when one of them thought they should start to pull around, I sped up and stopped in their path. So, this species of degenerate fucktard was annoying, but largely harmless. Buuuut then there’s…

Group B – The larger of the two, this group is illiterate and proudly lacking any common sense. These folks drove right up to the signs and felt it was perfectly ok to move them and go around, some without any hesitation whatsoever. In one instance, one of them revved their engine and drove over the curb instead- too lazy to turn around, and far too lazy to move the sign and not risk damaging their vehicles, I guess. I estimate that, in the span of 30 minutes, no less than half a dozen people in Group B came along. But my favorite moment with these unlovable cunts occurred while waiting between takes: A white car pulled up to the sign across the road from my waiting area, and in less than five seconds a man got out the passenger side and proceeded to move the road cone on the side of the sign, all while talking on his cell phone as if his actions were just as common as tying his shoe (though, after seeing this, I seriously suspect he has trouble doing that). Once I attached my jaw back onto my skull, I got out and walked over to him. As I did, his car slowly started to pull forward (there’s a driver and another passenger still inside). The conversation went like this:

“Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?”
The man stares at me for a moment, confused, then slowly says, “We’re going through here…”
“You know, the road closed signs are up for a reason.”
“…What’re you doing?”
“We’re shooting a movie, we have permits and city officials are notified. And moving road signs without permission is pretty much illegal.”
“…Ah. So… Do you want us to turn around?”
Given that the car was already halfway there and that we weren’t shooting, I told him “don’t fucking do it again” and moved the sign behind my truck to let them through.

Less fun was a take or two before that moment, when a kid came around the corner to the left of my waiting area with his lights off, stopped by me, got out and without saying anything, began to move the sign behind my truck. I rolled my window down:

“Hi.”
“How’s it going?”
“What the FUCK are you doing?”
“…I live here. What the fuck are you doing?”
“We’re shooting a movie dammit, the signs are up for a reason.”
“Well I turned my lights off.”

I didn’t feel like getting in a fight, so I got out and moved the sign. But fucking hell, since when does “road closed” translate to “turn your lights off and go around”? Even small children, with their miniscule mental capacity and limited reasoning abilities would be able to figure out that A) The camera is STILL going to see your haggard-ass truck rolling down the road because, omg, God invented street lights to illuminate the road and B) the fact that your lights are off makes it even MORE distracting.

Never in my life have I seen such an astounding display of stupidity. In the three years that I’ve been posting on this site, there is not ONE moment that I feel compares to this. Ok sure- think for yourself, question authority, and all that other wonderful stuff that makes for an intelligent populous. But for fuck’s sake, “road closed” is not like “eat your vegetables”. It’s not an option, it’s not a suggestion- it’s a FACT. It means the road is unsuitable for traveling because there’s a cliff ahead, there’s construction, a busted pipe, fresh asphalt, people working, flocks of midgets, pants, dinosaurs and/or fucking quicksand ahead. It means, YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

…Actually, after discussing this with my brother, I think “Road closed – Quicksand” might be more effective:

“Road closed. Well fuck this I’m go-… Wait, quicksand? Oh shit… Well, damn. I mean potentially causing thousands in damage by wandering over construction is fine and stuff, but… Quicksand. That shit eats people. Fuck this, I’m turning around.”

So here’s to Bozeman, now home of the main reason I have no hope for the human race. Cheers.

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Michael Bay is the director behind a number of high-grossing action films, including The Rock, Armageddon, and most recently, Transformers. Having just viewed Transformers for the second time at a theater (on campus here), I’d like to take a minute to talk to you about this awful habit “movie buffs” and/or “film elitists” have of bashing the shit out of him because… They’re elitist.

Film programs like the one I’m in have a nasty reputation of producing folks that only like “art” films- you know, the sorts of movies that nobody sees but win all sorts of film festivals and get nominated for Oscars (Mulholland Dr./anything by David Lynch, anything written by Charlie Kaufman, Terrence Malick, etc).

I love those sorts of movies, to be honest; I feel that one of the best things about film is that not only can you tell a story, but you can do it through visual art. Sadly, the fact that visual art doesn’t always have to equal obscure what-the-fuck-is-that imagery is lost on a lot of people claiming to be connoisseurs of film.

So, Michael Bay. He directs films that have a very simple plot and very little in the way of character development. What a bastard, huh? No. Why? Because he prefers to ride on other elements of filmmaking; it’s called style. And if anyone ever shouts at you that he sucks, tell them that this is what he does well:

- Shot composition. Bay’s films are typically associated with MTV-style editing: quick cuts, very often. I’ll get to that in a minute, but here’s the thing: If you walk into a Michael Bay film looking for Kubrick-esque shots that last two minutes, you’re a moron. But if you watch them with the appropriate eye, you’ll notice something: Most of his shots are perfectly composed and beautifully lit. He’s not a hack, folks: Bay does things with camera and lighting that my professors would have a hard time replicating.

- Editing style. Anyone who thinks that quick cuts automatically equal bad is a pretentious cunt. Yes, a number of great filmmakers like Hitchcock, Lynch, Kubrick, Coppola, etc. use long takes, and extremely well. But that’s because it’s APPROPRIATE. I want you to imagine the infiltration of the island in The Rock as one long, constant take. It’d be boring. Moreover, one reason editing is there is to put you inside the character’s head; the obvious testosterone and kinetic energy of a SEAL team taking over an objective would, logically, lend itself to quick cuts. It’s common sense. But noooo, apparently because 90% of pop music videos are cut this way (for entirely different reasons) means that when movies are, they equal shit too.

- Pacing. The screenplays that Bay works with are very kinetic and action-oriented. This is a bit more subjective, but if you pay attention Bay is using a very effective formula: Tension and release. For example: In The Rock, the scene with the SEAL team entering the shower room. There’s a stand off that lasts a good 2 minutes, with cuts getting progressively quicker and foreboding music building, then it explodes. It’s appropriate. And again in Transformers- when the base survivors are attacked after escaping, the battle moves into a village, the action levels off, then slowly builds again into a climax involving an air-strike. He never overloads you with action (like say, Ridley Scott in Black Hawk Down). Furthermore, dialogue sequences are appropriately paced as well. I could cite examples all day, but I’d much rather somebody pick me one that doesn’t work in the context of the film as a whole.

- Theatrics. I find dialogue with thoughtful subtext, frames with symbolic imagery, and messages of political and/or philosophical nature to be quite entertaining. I also find things blowing up and over the top action to be a good time as well. And the latter is what Bay is and should always be known for. Transformers: That village battle sequence, once an air strike is called. You see A-10s flying in with a sunset backdrop, shots angled into the sky from below characters firing automatic weapons showing planes screeching by, etc. The same can be found in all of his movies. It’s not just “omg I can’t believe they did that”, it’s “holy fucking shit, look at this chaos”. It’s over the top, it’s often unrealistic, and you know what? It’s MEANT to be like that. Some movies are made to mimic reality, others are made to magnify it 1000x (hyper-realism).

And yeah, his movies have a tendency to throw character development at you like a file (the cliché scenes of “I read your file” or “here’s his file”), instead of reveling it as the film goes on. Could he? Sure, hell it might even work. But when the focus of your movie is so glaringly obvious chaos and explosions, high tension situations and basic good vs. evil conflict, what the FUCK is the point?

Perhaps that’s your criticism: Bay knows he’s making films for audiences that- by and large- will never see cinema as anything more than entertainment (that whole art-thing I mentioned earlier). But blaming Bay for dumbing down America is a load of bullshit. Look at our public education systems and the fact that the media will give front page attention to O.J. Simpson NOT killing someone again, rather than the situation with Iran, Iraq, and basically anything else that could potentially affect everyone’s lives. Michael Bay puts out a 2 hour movie every couple of years. Evil bastard, huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely agree that his movies reap the benefits of a culture that really can’t perform critical thinking as a whole. But just because stupid people enjoy something doesn’t mean it is factually stupid: 90% of Tool fans are legally retarded, Red Hot Chili Peppers have a huge jock fan base, there’s a lot of idiots on Halo Live!, and many LOTR fans are socially inept escapists. But I could spend another three pages arguing the validity and importance of all of those subjects, so the argument that stupid fans equal a stupid product is completely null.

It all comes down to style, which in cinema should be treated as subjective; just like taste in music, video games, or anything with genre-classifications. People who think one style is, in fact, better than another are essentially Nazis. If you dislike Michael Bay films, by all means, good for you. But have a reason that’s not “because all the other film kids do” or “he doesn’t make movies like x director is renowned for”. It’s that sort of sheep-like behavior that’s destroying humanity.

You know, it’s sad that a lot of film buffs/elitists don’t understand why Michael Bay makes chaotic, popcorn action flicks, and could care less about going deep into the involved characters. Maybe they’ve forgotten that they spent a solid portion of their childhood enjoying cartoons that do the same thing.

It’s called… Fun. Pure and simple.

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