A public service announcement concerning fossil fuels…
*looks down* So apparently I never post here anymore, which is silly considering what I’m paying for this site. However, it seems that Myspace is a superb medium for my ranting these days, given that people actually read what I post there (apparently, a sarcastic asshole in contrast to a bulletin monkey is a refreshing read for some people). And seeing as things disappear rather quickly over there, I’m going to start taking the angry anti-bulletin rants I make and post them here. That way, there’s some semblance of activity occurring here, and I’m not as disappointed to see my words buried under a sea of garbage . So, let’s kick things off:
The following is the original bulletin that was posted:
Title: DONT PUMP GAS ON MAY 15TH
Body: On May 15th all myspace members are to not go to the gas station in protest high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most places. There are 72,110,073 members currently on the network, and the average car takes about 20 to 30 dollars to fill up. If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th it would take $2,163,302,190.00 out of the oil companys pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May 15th and lets try to put a dent in the oil industry for at least one day.
If you agree repost this bulletin repost it with ‘Don’t pump gas on May 15th’
And this is my response:
Apparently, somewhere between 2 and midnight, there has been a veritable spurt of people posting “rawr rawr don’t buy on May 15th, you’ll make rich people all sad, and that’s aaaawesome”. To those people posting, I say:
You
Are
Fucking morons.
Let’s analyze why. It’ll be fun!
First, the title:
“DONT PUMP GAS ON MAY 15″
Wait wait, this has to be a joke, right? Right? Nobody is actually so goddamned, inconceivably, utterly FUCKING RETARDED as to think that the entirety of the world gets gas all on the same day? Right? Please tell me nobody is that incoherent and small-minded, please? That would pretty much refute the theory of human evolution…
“On May 15th all myspace members”
Aaand STOP. The average myspace member can barely remember that they posted 4 bulletins 5 seconds ago. They’re going to remember to NOT do something in a month? There’s being optimistic, and then there’s being a goddamn lunatic. This assumption is the latter.
“If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th it would take $2,163,302,190.00 out of the oil companys pockets for just one day,”
This may come as a surprise to you, so hold onto your seat. Ready?
Myspace is:
A) Not just American soooo… The dollar amount? Yeah, last I checked, despite our best efforts, we haven’t taken over the world. Not everyone uses the dollar, numbnuts.
B) In conjunction with A (I know, I’m using lots of words so you’re probably tired by now- what with your IQ of 6- but keep at it), do you have ANY idea how many people in metropolitan areas don’t even OWN cars? Jesus H. Babcock, not everyone is a fat tub of lard. And then there’s that whole public transportation nonsense that OMG, is still being used! Ha! Imagine that! Buses, trains, subways, oh my! Why, who EVER would use those? Surely only the poor, RIGHT?
C) Also filled with 13 year old children who
_1) Don’t have the mental capacity to operate a steering wheel.
_2) AREN’T FUCKING OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE.
Oh, but that’s not all folks! Then we have THIS brilliant closing line:
“lets try to put a dent in the oil industry for at least one day.”
Waaaaaaoooooh, move OVER Rupert Murdoch! Here comes the ambition train! This is an awesome plan. In fact, I think we could’ve used this “let’s be motivated for exactly one day” strategy elsewhere in history:
1. Colonization of North America. We shoulda landed, made lunch, and then said fuck it. We’re full, lets go home.
2. D-Day. I mean really, why bother after owning the beaches in France? That was plenty of nazi ass-kicking! All that hullabalo in Holland, the Ardennes, etc? Yeah, waaaaaaay too much work if you ask me.
3. Martin Luther King. All that marching and such, honestly! We got the point after the first one, was all that repetitious nonsense about “blah blah black people blah blah” REALLY necessary?
This is why Myspace is depressing. It turns people that I otherwise enjoy into sheep. You’re wanna be activists, you know that? You’re the sort of people that go, “lawl, I h4te bush 2!!!” because you think that means you’re taking a stand against something.
You’re wrong.
What, is it somehow OK to do stupid shit that in principal (I don’t use “in theory”, because this theory is about as coherent as Helen Keller) MIGHT hurt someone powerful? People don’t take stands just to “fuck with the man”, they do it because it actually MEANS something to them. Not “oh yah, lik, gas is toatli expensive. It rully dranes my mom’s wallet, lawl”.
Do you want to put a dent in the oil executives pockets?
Shoot yourself, tard. Nobody likes a money-obsessed asshole.
Do you want to do something GOOD for the environment?
Use public transportation, walk, ride a fucking BIKE. And REGULARLY. Not just for a day, not for a week. Do that, and THEN you’ll make a difference.
Stop posting faux-protest bulletins. Not only will you save the valuable IQ points of everyone on your friends list that may read it, but you’ll at least give the appearance that you have a high school education.
Your friendly neighbor,
Chris Balboni.
Comments(18)
[...] Here, courtesy of some silly college kid. [...]
I love me a good rant every now and then; plus I have to say that you do it well…
Thank you. I’d like to reiterate not driving your god-damned self everywhere when it’s not fucking necassary. We’re still gonna have a planet to worry about in 40 years.
Even though I agree with not getting gas on days or even weeks might work or support people that use the gas might work. But eh that is just my opinion though I feel you stated your opinion very well and I enjoyed it very much.
It was quite a laugh. XD!
Thank you, Thank you. When I read this bulletin about the gas protest on May 15th on Myspace I was blown away by the stupidity. Your ranting is riveting and informative as well as completely hilarious and I agree with you. Furthermore I would like to point out that in the days leading to their gas protest what will people be doing???? BUYING GAS AHEAD OF TIME SO THEY DON”T HAVE TO BUY IT ON MAY 15th!!!!! Stupid stuipid stupid and this is going to teach those fat cats in the oil industry a lesson? Please grown some brains. And Chris Balboni you are an inspiration.
Thanks again.
You are retarded.
“You are retarded.”
As enlightening as this is, feel free to elaborate.
Like, Omg. Are you srs?
Hahaha.
Very nice, Chris.
I loved it.
Yeah, steal my thunder…AGAIN!
It’s ok, I wont cut too deep. But then you want me to cut deep, don’t you, Chris?
Aw, no.
And look for a sequel to this post coming very soon.
Wow. For one post you’ve been called a faggot and a retard. You also have fans that go by the name of Kweef. Quite a site Constable, quite a site.
Haha. You know what pisses me off about people like you? You are EXACTLY the reason that noone can get SHIT DONE in the country. Noone sticks together, noone can fight for anything anymore. All because of “small-minded” people like you, who feels it’s “inconceivable” for us to band together one day to not buy gas. Because it’s really so hard to purchase it the day before? And YOU seemed to have set back evolution in your thoughts, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THEY DIDN’T THINK OF THE VARIABLES WHILE CALCULATING THAT NUMBER? You think you are the only person whos mind comprehends the idea that there are young children and non-Americans on myspace? You think you have reached some unthinkable conclusion? Wow Einstein……. If Myspace were a country, it would be the 11th largest. Swallow that number and perhaps you’d begin to understand the number of Americans of Driving age on myspace, and the fact that WE COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE, TAKE A STAND. And even those 13 year old children can pass the info. on to their parents. Maybe you should relax, and spend less energy on trying to tear apart something that is TRYING TO DO GOOD FOR AMERICAN CITIZENS!
Noone sticks together, noone can fight for anything anymore. All because of “small-minded” people like you…
Great plan, sir! And next time everyone is doing something stupid, I’ll be sure and stick with ‘em just to keep up with the herd. I mean comradery and “banding together” is far, faaar more important than say, individual thought.
You think you have reached some unthinkable conclusion?”
I always thought the big banner at the top saying “Stupid Chronicles” made it evident that I’m pointing out things I find to be, well, stupid. But I suppose size 48 bold Arial text is kinda subtle, isn’t it?
“people like you, who feels it’s “inconceivable” for us to band together one day to not buy gas.”
It’s not that I find it inconceivable- afterall, Penn & Teller got several hundred people to sign a petition against dihydrogen oxide- just that it’s completely moronic.
“DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THEY DIDN’T THINK OF THE VARIABLES WHILE CALCULATING THAT NUMBER?”
According to the message:
1. $30 average tank.
2. 72,110,073 members on myspace
$30 x 72110073 = 2,163,302,190.00
“If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th it would take $2,163,302,190.00“
So, as anybody not suffering from Down Syndrome can see, they calculated fuck-all for “variables”. It took 10 seconds and windows calculator to figure that out, by the way. Hopefully your blind faith in chain-mail will lead you into oncoming traffic one day soon, because the average IQ of the world will absolutely skyrocket.
Maybe you should relax, and spend less energy on trying to tear apart something that is TRYING TO DO GOOD FOR AMERICAN CITIZENS!
I don’t understand how coercing other people into being illogical is “good for American citizens”, but maybe that’s just me.
And honestly: “band together?” “We could make a difference, take a stand?” Good Christ, even the moron I ripped apart in the next post wasn’t THAT horribly cliche.
Also, feel free to read this post before making any more brainless, half-witted comments. I covered most of ‘em, and don’t much care for repeating myself anymore.
wow that carey is a real fucktard haha. SO idealistic, kinda like woordrow wilson. Carey, its people like you, who sat around and let hitler and his goons come to power. Ironic isnt it!
Why don’t we all strap bombs to our chests and ride our bikes to the next G8 picnic?
It seems easier every day.
By the way nationalism and geographic identity are FUCKING STUPID.
Buy all the fucking gas you want. You’re not going to make a difference either way because you probably slave 9-5 for the exact same (albeit lower-ranked) people who dictate exchange prices and guide inflation. If you pay your taxes, pay interest on loans, carry your bullshit “cash cards” (which in principle are NOTHING like cash, in that they have no capacity for anonymity… take it as you will) then you’re authorizing the bankers (who are figuratively sleeping with the oil executives among many, many others in positions of power that we could never dream of) to continue creating intangible, electronic money (ie. renewable blips on computer screens) and to charge interest on it. Sound like a backasswards, horseshit system? It is. You’re the type of sheepfucking, faith-whore that would never dare question Fearless Leader’s intentions, no matter how sinister they are under the thinly-veiled big-media sponsored surface. Don’t even get me started on the futility of voting or those awful, horsetwat “Support Our Troops” ribbons.
What I’m getting at is: Fuck you and everything you stand for. Thanks for your time, wageslave.
…It’s rather hard to tell what the previous comment was directed at, but it was a fascinating romp through teenage angst all the same. Whee!
LOL.