“Hairy beast!”
“You killed my cattle!”
“All Bigfoots are terrorists!”
“Lesser-evolved apelike thing!”

These are just a few of the things I hear people shoutin’ at Obama, and I’d like to take a moment to sit down and tell you all something very important:

Barack Obama isn’t Bigfoot.

It’s typical right-wing propaganda: Just one big ol’ pack of lies being sold to the masses- albeit the illiterate, borderline retarded and probably-sufferin’-from-ADD masses, but the masses nonetheless. And since I’ve never been one to stand by idly while people get all mixed up over simple things like this, I thought I’d take a moment to demonstrate just how, exactly, Mr. Obama is not Bigfoot.

First, there’s geography. Bigfoot typically roams the mountainous region of the Pacific Northwest, eatin’ berries and cattle, but also sometimes lurkin’ in random dells in Oklahoma (sorta like the Unibomber). He’s fond of snowy weather, deep forests, and the dark of night. Barack Obama, however, spent most of his childhood roaming the tropical-forests of Hawaii, eatin’ people food and genearlly hanging out with non-bigfoots. He’s fond of nice people an’ warm places, and tends to favor daylight.

Next there’s his upbringing. Bigfoots are usually reared to one father and half a dozen mothers, and are taught from birth how to avoid detection an’ make people- via telepathy- use digital zoom and no tripod when they’re on camera. They’re also, as a species, vehemently opposed to the consumption of alcohol, as it tends to send them into blind rages resulting in massacres only slightly more destructive than nuclear war (Bigfoots are a peaceful people and wish to avoid this). Obama, on the other hand, was reared by his birth mother and a monogamist father-figure. Barack Obama has also always encouraged crisp, clear video footage of himself, leaving little doubt that he actually exists.

And Finally, Mr. Obama’s stated beliefs. Bigfoots spends five times a day praying to the Badger, an omnipotent being that exists mostly in the fourth dimension (but who we occasionally see as a furry, angry little creature wandering the forest and decimating all opposition). If you wanna ask a Bigfoot how they feel about the whole God thing, you’ll hafta draw a diagram ’cause they don’t really understand English so well. And if you draw a diagram of a Badger, you’ll prolly get eaten. Bigfoots don’t like blasphemy. Barack Obama, however, won’t eat you if you show him a picture of a badger, or even one of a big scary man in the clouds. That’s right: Barack Obama has stated many a time that he prays to an invisible man living in the sky just like 77% of all Americans. Sillier than praying to a Badger? Maybe. But he’s definitely not Bigfoot.

But now I have to ask a question that demands an answer: What if- and I say this knowing full well that he’s not- but what if, Obama was indeed Bigfoot? I honestly don’t see the problem. Oooh maybe he doesn’t speak English, ooh maybe he’ll eat you if you go drawing badgers, oooh maybe the news media will have to stop using tripods. But so what? Just because he’s Bigfoot means he’s a less viable option for President?

That’s just elitist, ’cause the only people that I hear whining about it are zombie worshippers. And I’m sorry, but you’re no better Mr. “ooh I laugh at Bruce Campbell movies but still expect people to take my religion seriously” person. Zombie defense missions, hypocrisy against the Great Zombie’s Rules, and even disagreement on how to believe in zombies. Oh sure, Bigfoot has had his share of massacres and terrorist strikes in the name of the Badger, but that just means he’s on equal footing with you. No better, no worse.

And that’s what I’m really getting at here. Even if Mr. Obama were Bigfoot- and he most certainly is not- saying he is like it’s a character flaw is just silly. Just ’cause Bigfoot is typically found in the woods, prayin’ to a badger, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have spaceships and flying cities and digital watches just like everyone else.

And saying otherwise is plain ignorant.

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