Cafeteria. Any given shift.

Whee, another day on the job. It’s nice to know there are still places that doll out two dollars above the minimum wage for physical labor Stephen Hawking could do, as opposed to Troy, where raises above $6.15/h for actual labor are about as likely as women on the internet.

And speakin’ of, the ones here aren’t too bad. In fact, I dare say most of them are cute. I mean judging by their conversations as a lot of them pass by they shouldn’t have graduated third grade, but hey. You can’t be picky.

Some of them could stand to eat more though. Maybe I’m just not into the whole skeletal-fucking thing. I dunno. Something about boning a holocaust survivor has never appealed to me.

Like this chick here. Obviously emo- you know, all you have to do is read the shirts anymore. It’s either some incredibly, incredibly (no seriously, fucking awful) shitty band or some vague and pretentious poetry in that one font that nobody uses because you can’t goddamned read it. Anyways, I mean this chick might be nice when she’s not cutting herself or crying along to the latest Paramore dump, but maybe if she went through the main serving line instead of just the salad line with a bowl, she wouldn’t look like one of Hitler’s “just-missed”. I mean, if she spent half the time she did putting on that eyeliner, dyeing and combing her hair so nicely, and buying those designer women’s…

…Pants. Wait.

Oh God.

That’s not a girl at all.

No.
NO.

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Well, after four months it would appear I have something (very nearly) worth posting. Similiar to the last one, this was originally a bulletin on Myspace that I found… Silly. Occasionally, I see these things float by- a long list of reasons why state “x” is awesome- and I’m content to just ignore them. However, this time I found one that had not only that, but reasons why another state is even better. The following is my response bulletin, enjoy.

So someone from California made a big ol’ list of why they rock, and then someone from Montana made a response saying “nuh huh, I’m better to infinity !!!1″.
I can see it posted four different times on my bulletins.
I thought that was a load of hodgepodge.

See, every state/segment of population has flaws.
Allow me to demonstrate:
(original post in italics)

CALIFORNIA:

- I can wear sandals all year long
Congratulations, you live in a warm climate! Good thing half the population of Earth doesn’t too- those Californians, goddamned special is what they are.

– I go to the Beach – not “down to the shore”
You’re on a planet that’s 70% water. WHO KNEW.

–Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well…Miami can hang.
They’re also the origin of the valley girl stereotype. Like omg, I bet ur sooo totali prowd!!

– I say “like” and “for sure” and “right on” and “dude” and “totally” and “peace out” and “chill” and “tight” and “bro” and I say them often
So do Jr. High dropouts. Enjoy flipping my burgers.

– I know what real cheese & avocados taste like
I think most people would break into a fit of laughter if someone actually told them this.

–Everyone smokes weed and its no big deal
Go smoke a joint in front of a cop.
No no, go for it.
I’ll be waiting for the pics.

–We’ll roll up 40 deep when something goes down.
You’re sheep. Hooray!

–I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American’s!
Until they stop doing all your lowly, shitty jobs for you and demand better wages. Then you deport them and cry about it.

–All the porn you watch is made here, cause we’re better and thats how it is
No, you just have more failed actresses and girls who lacked enough brain power to get a job at even McDonalds.

– I don’t get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear
I’ll give five whole fucking dollars to the first person who can explain why this matters in the least.

– I know 65 mph really means 100
California’s education system: Doing an epic fail right into the 21st century.

– When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont fuck around on the road
*is rendered speechless at the utter hypocrisy at this following the last point*

– The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border)
Good, you’ll get liver cancer sooner.

– My governor can kick your governors ass
My governor can speak clear, distinct english and hasn’t sexually assaulted six women.

– I can go out at midnight
And unless you’re under 16, so can everyone else in the U.S.

–You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you’re from, you give your area code
Because stereotypes are awesome.

– I might get looked at funny by locals when I’m on vacation in their state, but when they find out I’m from California I turn into a Greek GOD
I’ve never been anywhere that admired Californians. Seriously. When you drive by, nobody sees your plates and goes “OMG I HEART YEW”. They say unpleasant things and hope you die in a fiery car accident, at best.

– We don’t stop at stop signs… we do a “california roll”
And when you get t-boned into a coma, it’ll have been worth it.

– I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day
So can Texas, and any other state with a southern border. Again, you’re not really that unique.

– All the TV shows you “other” states watch get filmed here
Actually, your fucking ridiculous tax laws make a lot of them shoot in Canada. But almost.

– We’re the Golden State. Not the Cheese State. Not the Garden State…..GOLDEN!!!
Yay! Gold! It was important back in… the 19th century.

– We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them)
Gogo obesity!

– I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more than yours, which means I’m better than you
Congratulations, you’re a Nazi! Or nine years old. Something to be proud of either way.

– The best athletes come from here
O.J Simpson was pretty awesome, I’ll give you that.

*****IF YOU’RE FROM CALIFORNIA, REPOST THIS***IF YOU’RE NOT, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY******

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And here’s Montana’s equally mind-numbing points:

Unless you live in montana, you suck. Here’s why:

– Like anywhere else in the world, we too can wear sandels whenever we want..
If only we could spell “sandals”.

– Correct, we don’t go to the beach, we go to the shore. You know what else we don’t have? Shark attacks. 0 attacks in 1000 years. It’s true, look it up.
Shark attacks in the last 3 years in California: Two.
Bear attacks in Montana in the last 3 years: Over a dozen.
Nature can fuck you up no matter where you live, don’t get high and mighty.

– Your girls are NOT hotter than ours… In fact, they are almost equal… and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye… We have the real ones and they can beat yours up.
Montana: Violent tendencies > intellect.
California: Looks > intellect.
*sigh*

– We’re taught to say “Yes Sir” and “Yes Ma’am” and respect our elders because of it. We also say “Howdy” and “fixin” and “Yall” are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world We’re famous.
Respect without reason is akin to following without thought. You’re a moron for it. And we stole that dialect from the south, so, no.

– You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like… but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes? Oh yeah, our potatos come out of the ground too, not out of a box.
That’s right, here in Montana, our potatoes are cultivated right in the fucking back of the store. No really, that’s not a full of shit, ignorant retort. Not at all.

– Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done…
My dad can beat your dad up! Nuh uh- I bet my brother could beat up your dad! No way! YEAH HUH!
…What are we, seven years old?

– I live next door to americans, but we call them mexicans(that’s right)
And the point is…?

– Why would you brag about not getting snow days off?
Good question.

– When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big ass truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california.
Yawp, we luf our big ol’ trucks, ’cause nobody never taught us what gas mileage was.

– I too can go out at midnight, AND, I can walk down the street. ANY street that is, without being robbed by kids with guns.
Visit Billings.

– You judge people based on their area codes? Sad. We have one area code because that’s all we need.
Aw, they came so close to making a point, but failed miserably with the second bit.

– Yeah, you’ll definitely get looked at funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french.
Because here in Montana, we’re uncultured and poorly educated just enough that we can’t tell the difference between France and California.

– Of course you don’t stop at stop signs… none of you can drive.
Broad sweeping generalizations for the win!

– Our state is NOT full of porn stars, but we fuck better then them anyway.
We fuck better than people who make a living fucking? Yeah, sure.

– You can get “real” mexican food. So because a person from Mexico cut up the tomato and stirred the beans, that makes it taste better? Last I heard you can’t even drink the water down there.
In other news, no one was talking about Mexico itself.

– Your athletes are better than ours? How did the Lakers, Raiders, Clippers, or A’s do last year? How about the year before? Oh and btw, Boise State won their bowl game last year and was the ONLY team in college football to go undefeated.
…Ok, that was a win.

– and remember the drinking age is 21 and we start at 14, 19 if we live close enough to canada….which is a little cleaner than your bordering country.
See my previous statement in the California version.

– On second thought, maybe you should forget I said all of this because it might lead to more Californian’s coming up here and ruining our state the way they did California’s. Yeah, just stay there.
OMG NOT NEW PPL! WHAT WILL WE DO?!!!

People can, and will, suck. Doesn’t matter where you live.
You’re no better than anyone else.
Grow up.

- Your friendly neighbor, Chris Balboni.

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Two years ago, somebody decided that my posting of the “Jesus Snickers” image on Easter was rather offensive, and opted to make a stand in my comments section with some rather… “Un-constructive” criticism. I promptly tore them apart, and to this day I don’t know for certain who it was (though I have my suspicions). Nevertheless, it was an entertaining episode (located here) that hasn’t been repeated.

That is, until now.

As most of you know, my previous rant was originally a bulletin on Myspace. And as bulletins tend to do, it snowballed. One of my friends reposted it (thanks Keith!), then some of his friends did, and so on. Well, there I was on Tuesday, sittin’ around waiting for class to start, when I received a random message from some girl named “Erin”. Usually, random messages on Myspace generate one response in me (“It’s a trap, do not want!”), but this one’s title perked my curiosity (“IQ of 15″) so I clicked into it. Two minutes later, I had renewed my lack of hope for the human race.

The following is the exchange between myself and this person, provided for your amusement (and least anyone think that messaging me, instead of leaving a comment, will grant privacy). Let’s start with the original message:

“Dear Chris

Apparently the only thing YOU take a stand on is putting people down; rudely at that. The ‘ No gas on May 15th’ bulletin was an effort by a group of people who may or may not know much about activism and this was their attempt to make a difference. And yes I know that only about 1/4 of Myspacers would even apply to this protest. And most likely less than half will comply with the bulletin. BUT did anyone ever say that “everyone pumps gas on the same day”? I don’t believe so. Let me go back and check that bulletin… oh yep, no one said it!

You shot yourself in the foot when you brought in “blah blah black people blah blah”. This shows you’re either 1. racist, 2. intolerant of others (OBVIOUSLY) and/or 3. not intelligent enough to form an argument that doesn’t involve bashing people and or groups of people who haven’t the slightest to do with the topic in question.

It doesn’t help that in your rant disguised as an argument you pull strings of words from thin air and try to play them off as quotes. That holds no water, and for someone who loves ranting and raving as much as you i would think that you would have figured out how to properly construct a debate.

You talk a big game pretending you know so much about activism, when in your own ‘essay’ (refer to 1. 2. and 3. towards bottom of bulletin) you give the impression that you would have been 1.the fat ass who simply ate the lunch while everyone worked their asses off to hunt and make it. 2. the cowardly shit who hid in the corner watching his friends get shot because he was too lazy (“wayyyyyy to much work”…) to help his fellow men let alone his own country. and 3. again, the fat ass who did NOTHING when these “blah blah black people” were working THEIR asses off for equality and respect.

“Do you want to put a dent in the oil executives pockets?
Shoot yourself, tard. Nobody likes a money-obsessed asshole.”

well that’s a very encouraging thing to say to people when they’re on the right path of making a difference. and i’m inclined to bring up the fact that that question/answer doesn’t even make sense to begin with. So if a bunch of myspacers committed mass suicide the oil exuctives would suddenly lower gas prices and dent their own pockets? I’m so sure.

It’s quite apparent that you, with your IQ of 160 and all, never stopped to realize(THINK!) that it’s the OIL INDUSTRY big wigs who are money obsessed..(why the fuck else would this bulletin have started anyway?!). obviously you missed the memo on that one.”

After collecting my thoughts- after all, I haven’t been jarred by this sort of idiotic nonsense since the days when Jr. High chitlins were rampant on here- I gave the following response:

*sigh* Oook:

“did anyone ever say that “everyone pumps gas on the same day?”

“If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th it would take $2,163,302,190.00 out of the oil companys pockets”

I know, saying the same thing in different words is often confusing for the dense and illiterate of the world. You’re forgiven. Perhaps I could donate some money to you, so you could buy “hooked-on-phonics”? Because by the looks of it, your ability to infer things is non-existent.

“blah blah black people blah blah”. This shows you’re either 1. racist, 2. intolerant of others (OBVIOUSLY) and/or 3. not intelligent enough to form an argument that doesn’t involve bashing people and or groups of people who haven’t the slightest to do with the topic in question.”

Wow. Just… Wow. The sarcasm in that part was so, incredibly obvious that I figured even the most moronic Jr. High kid would understand. See, my point was that (it’s hilarious, and tragic, that I have to explain this to a 21 year old) if you’re going to protest something, it’s very un-ambitious and shallow to do it for all of ONE day. The examples I cite- D-day, NA colonization, and the civil rights movements- are all moments of great change in history that would’ve never happened if the people behind them were only motivated for ONE DAY. Does it make sense now? Am I getting through to you? Should I, perhaps, go buy some crayons and make you a colorful diagram?

“It doesn’t help that in your rant disguised as an argument”

Good thing I don’t call them rants. You know, like in this sentence in the intro: “I’m going to start taking the angry anti-bulletin rants I make and post them here”.

And seeing as you’re so high and mighty about properly constructed debates, feel free to point out exactly where I’m making up quotes.

“well that’s a very encouraging thing to say to people when they’re on the right path of making a difference.”

Yes, because of all the reasons to NOT drive- such as the environment, health, etc- the best one is to take money away from people. Oh shit wait- that was sarcasm, and you fail miserably at detecting it. What I mean is, shouldn’t people be doing it for the RIGHT reason?

“and i’m inclined to bring up the fact that that question/answer doesn’t even make sense to begin with. So if a bunch of myspacers committed mass suicide the oil exuctives would suddenly lower gas prices and dent their own pockets? I’m so sure.”

Even if I was entirely serious (which by no means was I) my point was that people who want to “get back at the rich” are misguided and irrelevant to the environmental movement.

Anymore points that you wish to have deconstructed, captain?

.

Now I must admit, given the length of the first message, I was expecting something half-way decent in return. However, my impression that this person actually gave two shits about what they were saying was apparently dead wrong, because a few hours later I received two more messages. The first consisted of a single line:

“hahaha, you are such a faggot.”

And the second:

“you’re NINETEEN! go get a FUCKING college education. no wonder your life is so dark and depressing.. because you have no friends. and no life. and no education. poor baby.”

After recovering from the mortal wounds to my psyche (or once I managed to stifle my laughter), I gave the following reply:

“hahaha, you are such a faggot.”
“you’re NINETEEN!”

…And yet, when somebody tries to make a point against something *I* say, I take the time to give a thought-out reply. I guess when I’m 21 I’ll revert back to the 13-year-old response of calling someone a fag? I can’t wait!

“go get a FUCKING college education”
“…depressing.. because you have no friends. and no life. and no education.”

As if the irony between calling me a faggot and then saying to get an education wasn’t enough, you decide to display your astounding (uh-oh, a three syllable word! You’re probably lost now) punctuation abilities right there. Is it fun, being such a blatant hypocrite?

I’m in college, by the way, and doing quite well. But your concern is duly noted.

“no wonder your life is so dark and depressing”

Is it now? I could of swore I was rather happy and have plenty of good friends. Oh noes!

Feel free to keep making an ass of yourself, it’s extremely entertaining.

.

That was nearly four days ago, and given that Myspace tells you if they’ve read the message (and she did, not long after I sent it), I’m quite sure that’s the end of it.

I’m still baffled as to how anyone could’ve missed the sarcasm in the history bit of my rant, I really am. Yeah, my rants are biting and I would never consider them polite in the least; on more than one occasion just that alone has irked someone, and that’s understandable. But this is a whole new one- I never thought I’d have to explain that a paragraph that starts off with “Waaaaaaoooooh” is sarcastic. I always figured the people who wouldn’t understand something that obvious are either A) still in 4th grade or B) incapable of finding their way to this site due to being completely illiterate. But, I guess this person overcame the odds. Bravo to her! I say we all chip in and get her a nice piece of educational software- they have lots of nifty pictures these days, and that would probably be right up her ally.

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I’d be lying if I said that the majority of the hits to this site don’t come from my high school during its hours of operation. The fact is that the popularity of my lil’ spot to speak out (no really, one post a month is speaking out) spans all age groups- from teachers to high school students, all the way down to the wee retarded folk in the junior high. Hell, I’ve even managed to attract the attention of the high school principal on a few occasions (by lambasting his policies and generally making a mockery of everything he does, but still). However, there’s one age group that I thought I’d never reach, much less have them be the downfall of widespread access to this page at the place that made it so popular in the first place. What group do I speak of?

Elementary kids.

Oh yes. You see, two weeks ago (yeah, yeah- see above reference to laziness) it was discovered that this site had suddenly become one of the many places on the internet blocked by our school’s shiny new obnoxious and very-nearly-useless filter. Normally it cites a reason- adult entertainment, graphic images, web host (no, I don’t know either), profanity, etc. For me: “Local deny”. Apparently it was done rather hastily…

At any rate, I finally talked to our school’s computer admin (who’s a good guy and whom I’ve never had any problems with) and apparently the very small children down the road had been accessing my site. I can only imagine the scenario of a teacher seeing a child on here and the ensuing yelling, but alas, it garnered the attention of the principal down there and he promptly requested a ban. And since we’re too technologically inept to separate networks between buildings several blocks apart, it’s banned everywhere.

Now, I have no problem whatsoever with this site being banned at the elementary level. For one thing, nobody at that age would understand the posts around here- hell, half the people in my own grade don’t (you know, I just realized how sad that is)- and would inevitably be on just to see the dirty words or to say, “Wow, this guy is on the internet and I know him!” So even to kill time by getting a laugh or two out of the internet, which is the only reason anyone gets on here at the high school, it’d be useless down there.

What I do take issue with is the discussion I almost had with the admin about profanity on sites available at school (I say “almost” because I was entirely too out of it that morning to bother). Basically, he stated that maybe this site was more appropriate for home usage than at school.

Oh oh! So it’s not one of those sites appropriate for school… Like the internet games I see our computer lab monitor playing all the time? Or how about the countless unblocked geocities, tripod, blogspot, various editorial/opinion sections of new sites… I mean not only is there swearing (*gasp*) contained in those places, but some of them completely lack educational value! How DARE we have anything potentially fun/interesting available to our students! WE MUST CRUSH FUN. CRUSH IT LIKE EVIL, VIRULENT BUG!

Hey, while we’re at it we should applaud the teachers of our high school for not swearing in front of their students. I mean, who in our school can say they’ve heard them do that? By golly, not many! Oh, and rampant use of profanity and derogatory terms by students (many a time right in front of teachers) at lunch and break for all the campus to hear? Never happens. Nope! In fact, THS is its own happy little world filled with pretty colors, cute fuzzy things, and a head-honcho leader man that RADIATES with joy! Oh it’s such a beautiful, wonderfully wonderful world!

Or not. Look, profanity is a part of life and students are going to hear it one way or the other. While I’ll agree that excessive use of it is worthless and denotes unintelligence, when you spread it around it can add a particular style and attitude to writing, which is often helpful in making your point forcefully and bluntly. And since there is not an excessive amount here, I have a message to everyone that sees this page and feels it’s inappropriate for anyone ages 13 to 18:

You hear that? That loud “wooshing” sound? Yeah, that’s reality flying right the fuck past you.

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So there I am at my place of work- the local grocery store- not all that far into my shift, when I head to the bathroom. Now, you’d think there’s only so many ways a tale with this sort of beginning could go. But you’d think wrong. Oh yes, ’cause not even I, with my tragically long experience working for such a place, foresaw this…

Sitting atop the toilet paper dispenser I found the following:

Upon seeing the “money within” bit at the bottom, I decided further investigation was required and very carefully pulled at the edge to open it (you see, my first line of thought was “great, somebody probably smeared the insides with something foul”). And lo-and-behold, there is a crisp one dollar bill stuck inside. No lies! No trickery! What ever could be at the helm of my good fortune?!

Why, God of course!

Yep! God gave me a dollar! Well, his PR department did at least. Aside from the dollar bill, on the inside was quite a lot of text that gave me something to giggle over on my break later that evening. I present to you now, that text (and you can view the object here, least you think I’m making this up):

Please don’t throw this away, it contains valuable information

Nonsense, you can’t fool me! It contains a dollar and a buncha those word thingies that nobody can do anything with! You have any idea what I can get with just a dollar in this town? Alcohol AND women!

Why give away money? There are four reasons: First. As a small token of apology for the fact that so many have asked for money in the name of Christianity. Christians should be giving to the community, not taking from it.

I gotta admire the effort they put into feigning a guilty conscience. Giving back to the community by throwing a dollar in a public restroom is like saying you’re funding medical research by giving a gynecologist a quarter.

The second reason is to ask you an important question. Do you consider yourself to be a good person?

Omg! Absolutely!

Let’s look at the Ten Commandments and see if you are. Have you ever told a lie?

Shit!

Have you ever stolen anything? (the value of the item is irrelevant). Have you ever used God’s Name in vain? Jesus said, “Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Have you ever looked with lust?

Check, check, check- Wow, I’m in deep twouble. Oh noes!

If you are guilty of breaking those four, God sees you as a “lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer at heart,” and the Bible makes it clear that you will end up in Hell. But there is good news.

I can save 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico?

Even though we broke God’s law (the Ten Commandments), He became a man to pay the fine. Jesus suffered and died on the cross (taking our punishment upon himself), then he rose from the dead…

To be perfectly honest, I’d have rather saved on car insurance.

God doesn’t want you to go to hell.

Of course not! He just wants you to feel unbearably guilty your entire life. He’s like a crazy old man in a robe, laughing and prancing about in the clouds while pointing at humanity saying, “Ha, HA! Now apologize! Apologize or I’ll unleash my locusts!”

The third reason for giving you money is to show that you have faith. Perhaps you are saying, “How can I know if the gospel is true?” Maybe you felt the same about this gift, but you had enough faith to open it and see if a dollar was inside.

Well, I did have faith that there was something inside. Sure, I was expecting some sort of joke and/or feces, but hey, I had faith!

Do the same with the gospel. This gift was mere money. God’s gift is everlasting life — so what are you waiting for? You may not have tomorrow…

Yes, that’s it folks! Have faith! Blindly obey! And hey, what’s the worst that could happen? Well, aside from pissing away your life doing things you’d rather not because you were led to believe there’s a reward at the end. But OTHER than that, everything will be peachy!

The fourth reason: The information you are now reading was hidden from you by the money. The Bible says the things of God are hidden from you because of your sin. Allow God to wash away your sins and your eyes will suddenly be open to a whole new realm.

Pray something like this: “Dear God, today I turn away from all my sins (name them).

And just forget about any good deed you’ve done: You’re an awful person, and that’s all there is to it. Keep that in mind at all times.

I put my trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior

Sorry, I’ve already invested all my trust in Dave. And let’s be honest, Dave’s story is far more believable.

Please forgive me, change my heart, and grant me your gift of everlasting life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.” Then read your Bible daily, and obey what you read.

Or God will cast you into the fires of blah blah blah… Come on, it’s gonna take far more than fear mongering to scare anyone that isn’t a fucking idiot- Ooooh, I get it. Ha, nevermind.

Go now to www.livingwaters.com and click on “Save Yourself Some Pain.” There you will find important principles that will help you grow in your faith.

Their website is a fascinating adventure to be sure, what with their “are you a good person?” test that calls you a sinner even if you claim innocence on every charge, and a javascript counter that ticks off the number of people who died every second after you opened it, citing that most of them are going to hell. Suffice it to say, it’s evangelism gone wild.

There’s no reason to take issue with someone solely because they’re religious- some of the greatest people I’ve ever met are dedicated Christians. But there’s striving to be a good person through faith, and then there’s handing out dollars and trying to guilt trip people into believing your way of life is correct. And while greed and idiocy are a fantastic combination, I think I’ll pass.

So no, Living Waters, I won’t allow your God to “wash away my sins and open my eyes to a whole new realm.” You know why?

‘Cause I’ve got a dollar, I’ve got a dollar, I’ve got a dollar hey hey hey hey…

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Wow! Three years ago today, America took a big step into combating the eeeeevil (!) dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein. And with good reason too! Well, at the time at least- See here in America, we don’t much care for thinking things through, or thinking at all really. And why should we! It’s not like over 2,300 U.S. soldiers and 33,000 Iraqi civilians have died as a result of the brazen ignorance among our executive branch. Oh no, not at all.

In fact, we had good reason for goin’ into Iraq 3 years ago. Here, lemme show you:

“We know that Saddam Hussein pursued weapons of mass murder even when inspectors were in his country. Are we to assume that he stopped when they left? The history, the logic, and the facts lead to one conclusion: Saddam Hussein’s regime is a grave and gathering danger. To suggest otherwise is to hope against the evidence. To assume this regime’s good faith is to bet the lives of millions and the peace of the world in a reckless gamble. And this is a risk we must not take.” – President George W. Bush to the United Nations General Assembly, September 12, 2002.

“Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised.” – President George W. Bush in an address to the nation, March 17, 2003.

Oh.. GOD! Saddam’s gonna kill us all! Grab the children! Prepare the bunker! Ready the shotguns! Stockpile spam! We gonna die!!

Or…not:

“The ISG has not found evidence that Saddam possessed WMD stocks in 2003, but [there is] the possibility that some weapons existed in Iraq, although not of a militarily significant capability.” – Charles Duelfer, U.S. Iraq Survey Group Final Report, September 2004.

Oh, whew! We’re safe. But what about the Iraqi people?! The poor, tortured civilians who die everyday (we’ll put a stop to it! No, really!) and whose rights we would never, ever, ever violate (NOT EVER)? Huh, what about them?! Well, we better stick around to save ‘em, ’cause that’s our job as a nation- in fact, we should just save ourselves a lot of trouble and make our national slogan “The United States: Kickin’ oppression in the pants. Hard.”

And when we’re done with Iraq, we can look forward to invading even more countries to save their poor, poor civilians from tyranny, ’cause we wouldn’t wanna be unfair or hypocritical. So we could start with the little guys like Sudan, Somalia (hey, it worked in ‘93!), The Democratic Republic of Congo (that fancy name is sooo not gonna fool us!), Belarus, Cuba, Myanmar, etc. After we’ve got all warmed-up, we can move onto the biggies like North Korea and China. Hey, just ’cause the latter has nukes isn’t gonna stop us! No siree! We’re here to knock oppression the fuck out, whatever the cost!

Well, that’s about all there is to discuss on this happy, happy anniversary of our invasion into Iraq. Let’s summarize:

Total Cost: Over $200 Billion. Fun fact: $19 billion a year would cut world hunger in half by 2015 (Borgen Project). But let’s not lose focus here: Terrorists can’t fight on an empty stomach!
Total Dead: Over 35,000 as a result of military conflict.
Current reason for occupation: Fixing our (unjustifiable) mess.
Issues Resolved: A cruel dictator is no longer in power.
Issues stemming from said resolution: A country on the brink of civil war.

I think I speak for the Bush administration when I say, “Thanks America! Thanks for supporting an administration that has mislead and trampled all over you with barely a squeak of concern, thanks for making sure our leader could never get impeached for doing something far more insidious than taking a BJ in the oval office, and thanks for egging us on as we pave the way for future administrations to slit your throats without consequence. Now please, go back to sleep.”

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I sit here huddled over my screen in the black of night, door barricaded and shotgun at the ready. For you see, there are roving bands of vicious, angry teenagers just outside the door, and I must be prepared for the worst.

It’s been getting harder these last few days- just attending school, that is. The hallways erupt with violence every time you turn around, hideous scars infest the student population- wounds from battle, they are. And the worst part- oh lord, the worst part- they want this! Every child grades 9-12 welcomes an attack for the simple fact that they will get to “distribute the hurt”. It’s no longer “there will be blood, oh yes, there will be blood”- Nay! The crimson liquid of life is already being spilt upon the floors of every hall, the streets of town, the trees of the forest, the innocent on-looking puppy dogs! The beautifully peaceful snow-covered ground is stained red with hatred while the towns people avert their eyes, crying out “Oh God, why do they do this? What unpardonable sin have we done to thee for our children to act such!”

Oh, what is the cause! WHAT IS THE CAUSE! So angry, so young! Mood swings and common teenage angst- Nay! These factors are far too simple and logical for explanations! Counseling must be given, testing done- The kids aren’t ok, oh dear, they are so very troubled… But by what? Oh lord, deliver us!

Yes, deliver us from this anarchy! Half a dozen fights in a semester- this is MADNESS! Insanity as such hasn’t occurred since last year at the LEAST! Chaos is on the march and the foundations of society will soon crumble if lessons aren’t taught, examples set, and “fun” crushed like the heathen scum that it is!

This, my fellow readers, is the ONLY way to approach matters! Make everyone suffer for the actions of a few- God knows that’s a surefire method of making teenagers think about their actions, and that it NEVER, ooooh it NEVER, just leads to pissing off every last one of them! A surefire solution indeed, for fun, as previously stated, is a vile and despicable thing!

And as I sit here, stroking my shotgun and listening to the terrifying ambience outside (goddamn crickets, they’re preparing an ambush, I know it), I begin to wonder if maybe I’ve been misled. Maybe there is no more than average violence outside. Maybe, just maybe, the people upstairs have a poor grasp on reality.

Then I realize I’m thinking too much, and I that need more shells for ol’ Bessy here.

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My homepage is, and has been for many years, set to Yahoo. Most of the time their top headlines off to the right of the main page are decent enough for getting a handle on what’s happening in the world on any given day. However, today was different. Today… They had an earth-shattering revelation of a headline:

“Oral tobacco not safe substitute for smoking”

Ok, now once you’ve caught your breath, read on:

…The bottom line, Hecht said, is that “smokeless tobacco products are dangerous.”

“The evidence suggests,” he continued, “that smokeless products are in fact a cause of oral cancer and pancreatic cancer in humans. The current evidence does not support smokeless tobacco as a substitute for cigarette smoking.” [article]

So upon reading this, I decided to go out and find other things that you may not know could cause you harm:

- Petting rabid animals.
- Snorting glass shards.
- Huffing raid.
- Eating raw sewage.
- Sticking various metal objects/appendages in power outlets.
- Seeing how many pills out of your medicine cabinet you can eat at once.
- Visiting Africa for the sex.
- Playing hot potato with used hypodermic needles.
- Attending a 50 Cent concert dressed as a Klan member.
- Playing kick the can, blindfolded, on an interstate during rush hour.
- Watching MTV (it lowers your IQ far enough that you’ll likely attempt at least one, if not all, of the above)

It’s alright; I know many of you were planning on attempting some of these in the near future. Just leave your thank you’s in the comments.

Fucking hell, is society actually DE-evolving? Or did I just miss the day in school where they told us common sense was a load of crap, and that sticking a wad of what’s essentially juicy, cancerous dirt in your mouth should certainly seem safer than smoking?

And on a side note concerning chew, using the non-nicotine kind is one of the more futile things I’ve ever seen someone do: I mean, instead of spending $4 or whatever on a can you could go home, grab some dirt, spray Lysol on it, and call it the same damn thing. Not only do you get the same effect, but it’s cheaper! Yay!

Back to the point…

What we need is a study showing that humanity consists largely of lazy, apathetic morons. Maybe if something as blatantly obvious as that were pointed out in an “official” way, there’d be a massive epiphany and universities would cease with this crap.

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By the time you hit your senior year of high school, you’ve seen just about every fashion trend you care to. You think it’s over. You think maybe this year people have realized that looking completely shallow isn’t terribly appealing. You think your eyes have been insulted more times than humanly possible. And you’re dead… Fucking… Wrong.

The worst part about “fashion trends” in high school is that the lot of them are based off of, or at least originated with, music. And I figure, “meh, shitty music deserves a shitty look”. But no, trend whores just can’t leave the good stuff alone can they?

Enter Pink Floyd. And I swear if any of you reading this have never heard a Pink Floyd song but sport any of their apparel, I hope you die a slow, painful death at the teeth of a very angry and diseased rodent. That’s right, thanks to the fine folks at Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and the rest of the grand ol’ mega-corporations currently taking over the country, t-shirts sporting the Dark Side Of The Moon album cover are now widely available to young tykes 12-15 years of age. Oh, but we should be happy relatively good albums and great bands are being tacked onto t-shirts en masse for the pathetically impressionable youth of America to be wearing, shouldn’t we?

FUCK NO. Sure, somebody with an Ashlee Simpson shirt on is probably completely worthless (or deaf; or, most likely, both), but worse than that is somebody who doesn’t even HAVE the musical taste that their apparel would lead you to believe they do. For example, my first day back at school I saw no less than four kids parading around in the same exact Pink Floyd “Dark Side Of The Moon” shirt (our student population is less than 200, so yes, it’s actually noticeable), and I would bet any number of important appendages that I possess that not a single one of them has listened to that album all the way through.

For crying out loud Pink Floyd is prog rock, a genre that does nothing if not defy trends. And what happens to them after their musical career ends? They turn into a trend. Irony is such a blast…

Hell, while we’re at it, let’s take a look at two of the other fascinatingly moronic things people are calling “a look” these days:

Emo kids – Cutting yourself because “pain r0×0rz!!1″, wearing heaps of eyeliner, having some of the most obnoxious and ridiculous hairstyles known to modern man (and that includes 80’s punk), appearing to be anorexic, and generally walking around looking like somebody just stomped your pet bunny to death is one way of spending your adolescence. Another is simply living up to your own hype and getting rid of yourself, thereby saving the rest of us the trouble of looking at you and putting a lot of really shitty bands out of business in the process. A win-win situation!

HIM fanatics – HIM is a generic and lyrically stupid Goth-rock band from a country that has produced DOZENS of far, far more talented ones. So why do so many people like them? Because some assclown with a camera and zilch in the way of common sense got popular (imagine that) and along the way decided “hey, their logo is purdy, so the music can’t be that bad!” That’s another thing: Stop kidding yourself if you think a heartagram is somehow a clever design; 12 year olds with MS Paint can scribble out more meaningful crap in 5 minutes. On the other hand, I guess I could say their devoted following is a fine example of how sheep-like many teens are these days. But then I’d be insulting sheep…

Why do people abandon logic and reason in the face of vanity? Hell if I know. Probably the same reason they watch American Idol: Repeated blows to the head when they were small children.

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They sit down.

Pro-lifer: “Hey Bubba?”
Bubba (of African-American descent): “Yessum?”
Pro-lifer: “Your home was decimated by Hurricane Katrina, right?”
Bubba: “Yessum…” *sniff* “My Budwiser inflatible home furniture… My Sanford an’ Son VHS collection… My pig… ALL GONE!” *sobs*
Pro-lifer: “Well, listen to this…”
*both scoot closer to bar table*
Pro-lifer: “Right, did you see the satellite photos of the hurricane, just before it hit?”
Bubba: “HELL NAW MAN! I was busy boardin’ up the trailer! Fucker ain’t well insulated, I can tell ya that right now…”
Pro-lifer: *sigh* “Well just in case, I brought these with me…”
*takes out satellite photos*
Bubba: “What, you own a satellite or sumthin’?”
Pro-lifer: “No-I… Dammit- The internet. It’s called the internet.”
Bubba: “Oooh, my cousin Jimmy-Joe has that. He goes to this one place all the time, called Hot Midget- ”
Pro-lifer: “MOVING ON… Look at the orange area, what’s that look like to you?”
Bubba: *puzzled look* “Uuhhmm… A fish! Yeaah! Hell, maybe even a dadgum shark! Ha, wow!”
Pro-lifer: “No, LOOK! See the head? The feet? See ‘em? It’s A FETUS!”
*Bubba stares blankly*
Pro-lifer: “Do you have any idea what this means? DO YOU?! There’s five abortion clinics in New Orleans alone! God was obviously trying to wipe them out!
Bubba: “But whuddabout tha church goin’ folk?”
Pro-lifer: “Guilty by association!”
*long pause*
Bubba: “Naaah man, ya got it all wrong. See, the white folk-”
Pro-lifer: “Oh here we go-”
Bubba: “Hear me out! My cousin Barry heard it from a friend of his uncle’s nephew’s daughter’s sister’s brother, that… That…”
Pro-lifer: “Yes? What?”
Bubba: “That them damn white folk blew the levee up with dyno-mite! And they dun planned it so only the brothas would be whipped out! Cracka’ land is completely dry!”
Pro-lifer: “You can’t be serious…”
Bubba: “I ain’t the one sayin’ a giant goddamned fetus attacked New Orleans!”
Pro-lifer: “It was a sign from God-”
Bubba: “Bullshit!”
Pro-lifer: “Come ON! These are the same people that think a mass of cars turning left for 2 hours is the pinnacle of entertainment, and YOU think they could plot the flooding of a specific part of a major city?!”
Bubba: “They damn clever, I tell you what boy-”
Pro-lifer: “Southern racists are clever?! You ate a lot of glue as a child didn’t you?”
Bubba: “Fine, fuck you! Fuck all y’all! The way the brothas been gettin’ treated down there is just more evidence of whitey keepin’ us down!”
Pro-lifer: “You know what? Fine! You obviously need to get in touch with God! Good DAY!”
Bubba: “Fine!”
*Pro-lifer storms out*
Bubba: “Dadgum white people…”

Soon thereafter, the Pro-life advocate took his idea to a small collection of retarded folk posing as a cult- er, religious group- known as “Columbia Christians For Life”. They then published his idea, and humanity will spend the better part of its stay on earth trying to figure what they were smoking.

Not long after leaving the bar himself, Bubba met one Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam: A long running black power movement that for one reason or another, has failed to realize they are now in the 21st century. Anyways, Farrakhan immediately dubbed Bubba a very reliable source and proceeded to announce that “whitey be keepin’ the black man down, yo!” to anyone that was listening (which for some inane reason, included the mainstream media).

And thus is the previously untold tale of how these two, like most, conspiracy theories started: Two nutcases just a trifle out of touch with reality getting hammered in a bar and making futile attempts at explaining things. At least, that’s the most plausible explanation for such massively derailed lines of logical thought.

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