INT. JAKE & MARK’S BEDROOM – EVENING

Jake slams the door. Mark jumps up from his bed, surprised.

MARK

BEAST WARS!

JAKE

I don’t believe this- can you believe this Mark?!

Jake looks over and notices Mark is wearing a tin foil hat and an Optimus Prime mask. He stares silently at Jake. Jake continues, unphased.

JAKE

IT’S NOT FAIR. Why- how come they getta call Santa fake but I can’t even tell a GIRL she’s stupid for believing in God?!

Jake storms to his door and stops just short of it.

JAKE

THIS IS OPPRESSION. YOU HEAR ME?! OPPRESSION. LIKE THE JEWS.

He walks hastily back to Mark and knocks off the Prime mask and foil hat.

MARK

But I’m a space robot...

JAKE

Come on Mark, we’re gonna make them repent for their sins!

MARK

I DON’T LIKE SNAKES.

Jake pulls Mark off the bed and helps him into a coat. Jake puts his on and looks out their window: four feet below is the garage.

EXT. FALLON HOUSEHOLD – NIGHT

Jake drops silently onto the garage roof and helps Mark out. They tip-toe to the edge and Jake hops off into a snow berm. Mark gleefully follows suit. They head towards a shed in the backyard.

EXT. FALLON BACKYARD – NIGHT – LATER

A red canister empties liquid into a trench in the snow. Jake tosses it away and exhales with satisfaction, stepping backwards to his little brother. He turns to Mark, who’s staring aimlessly into the sky.

MARK

Shiny... Cadillacs...

JAKE

Mark, Santa is really gonna appreciate what we’re doing for him. In fact, he might even bring you more presents for this.

Mark dances a little jig.

JAKE

Mark... Lighter.

Mark hands over the lighter with idiotic pride. Jake flicks it on and tosses it in a trench. The snow lights up with orange flame.

INT. FALLON HOUSEHOLD – EVENING

Dad sits on the couch, passed out. Mom enters the room- cautiously at first, then angrily.

MOM

CARSON!

He falls off the couch in surprise.

DAD

STASH IT BEHIND THE PAINTING.

Dad blinks at Mom. She hurries over to him, determined.

DAD

I mean-

MOM

WHAT did I tell you about lighting up in the house?! We have kids now, Jesus!

DAD

Hey man I wasn’t toking. Peter Jennings is on and-

MOM

What’s that smell then?

They hold in suspended animation.

MOM

JACOB!

EXT. FALLON BACKYARD – NIGHT

Mom and Dad burst out the back door. Flames lick the air twenty feet above Jake and Mark, who stand in silent awe.

MOM

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

JAKE

I’m warning Santa, Mom!

MARK

GIVING STICKS TO THE MAN!

Mark thrusts a fist into the air.

Mom takes a step back from the flames. From the air, the fire in the snow spells out a message:

SANTA, PLZ FIREBOMB THIS HOUSE. KTHX.

MOM

Carson go get the hose!

JAKE

NO DAD.

Mom and Dad stare at Jake. Flames punish the sky like the very fires of hell behind him.

JAKE

You guys don’t get it- Santa has to be real! If he’s not real why am I good all year? Who brings the presents an’ sits in the mall an’ knows what I’m doing and... It just doesn’t... Make any...

Jake collapses to his knees and starts crying. His dad calmly walks over to him and kneels down.

DAD

Hey little man, lemme tell ya something... Your mom has been draggin’ me to church for the last eight years. Eight years, dude, of early mornings, awful awful songs, and scripture passages trippier than Hunter Thompson after a bad night in Amsterdam. But you know what?

Dad leans in close to Jake and almost whispers.

DAD

I never listen.

MOM

CARSON!

Dad holds up a finger to Mom. Jake looks up a little.

DAD

And that’s cool. You know why? ‘Cause I don’t hurt nobody man. I don’t steal, I don’t cheat, nothin’. I hafta play along sometimes but hey- I’m happy! An’ aside from when the guys come over to jam, I think your Mom is happy with me too.

Jake looks up at his dad.

DAD

I eat the cookies. We put out the presents. Marv from down the street chills in the mall all month dressed up as Santa and makes less money than I did busking in Scranton... Santa ain’t real dude, and I’m pretty sure God innit either. But you know what? We’re real. And we’re together.

Dad looks up at the fire and snow covering his lawn, laughing a little.

DAD

Maybe it took settin’ the yard on fire but I think you get it, right man?

Jake smiles.

JAKE

Yeah.

His dad rubs his head playfully.

DAD

Yeah. You got it.

Mom sprays down the flames with a hose. Smoke fills the yard.

MOM

Alright, back to bed everyone.

Dad stands.

DAD

Yeah dudes, don’t ya know it’s Christmas tomorrow?

Jake has an excited grin on his face while they all trudge inside. Mark stops just short of the door.

MARK

But if spoons aren’t real, we can’t be space robots...

Dad gently pushes Mark into the house.

DAD

Right on, man. Right on.

FADE OUT.

INT. FALLON HOUSEHOLD – EVENING

The news. Football. News. Lifetime. UFOs. Jesus. Zombies.

Jake flicks uninterested through the channels from the couch. His parents quietly enter the room. Dad has a Dead shirt on. Mom is wearing a blatantly festive vest.

DAD

Sweet zombies!

MOM

Carson!

DAD

I mean- Jake! turn that shit off!

MOM

...Language!

DAD

Jesus- ahem, “jeez”. Oh come on, it’s not like he understands any of that yet.

JAKE

(staring into TV)

Shits not nearly as bad as fuck.

Dad stifles a laugh. Mom glares at him. He shrugs.

MOM

Jake, Susie’s mom just called...

Jake rolls his eyes.

MOM

She said you upset her pretty good today.

JAKE

Cooties make girls stupid.

DAD

Oh I wish it were that simple...

Mom gives dad that “look” and turns back to Jake.

MOM

You need to learn some respect, young man- and in front of your little brother! He takes after you, don’t you know that? You’re apologizing to her tomorrow.

JAKE

But MOM! She said Santa isn’t real! All I did was say the same thing about God! Except I had better evidence, of course, and-

MOM

Jacob! It is RUDE to insult somebody’s beliefs.

JAKE

She insulted mine!

MOM

Jake Santa isn’t real.

Mom looks embarrassed. Awkward silence.

DAD

...Smooth.

MOM

Shut up.

Jake gapes at them with disgust.

JAKE

You’re kidding, right?

MOM

Jake...

JAKE

NO, I don’t get it! The milk and cookies, the presents, the smelly fat guy in the mall who looks just like the pictures and who listens to what I want and then BAM, I get it. You tell me all that’s wrong but you keep tryin’ to make me believe that every Sunday when we sit in a building with two wooden sticks nailed together at the top and sing that there’s this invisible old guy in the clouds listenin’ in, and THAT’S all just fine! Even though HE doesn’t give me presents, I never see HIM at the mall, and as far as I know, GOD DOESN’T EAT COOKIES. I DON’T GET IT.

His parents stare at him like cows at a train. His mom sputters in frustration.

MOM

You’re about one step away from being grounded for christma-

JAKE

I don’t care! Santa will understand if I have to yell at non-believers, because it’s THE ONLY WAY TO GET A WORD IN OVER YOUR STUPID.

Jake storms off upstairs. A door slams. His parents stand in silence for a moment.

DAD

Fight the power little man, fight the power.

MOM

And you’re not helping! You’re practically egging him on-

DAD

Oh what’s the harm? You know if we stop taking him to church somebody’d have to stay home with him-

MOM

Don’t even think about it.

DAD

I’m just sayin’- valuable jam time, Sunday mornings.

Mom shakes her head and walks off. Dad stands confused for a moment, then shrugs the whole thing off. He plops down on the couch and flips to the History Channel.

DAD

UFOs! ...With Peter goddamned Jennings! Oh man, this is the real deal. Honey- HONEY! You’re gonna miss THE TRUTH!

No answer.

EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY

Six or seven second graders work tirelessly to build a snowman. One of those things that has to be done before the bell rings and you get imprisoned in a classroom for the rest of the day. Snowmen. Life or death. a true testament to the skill and willpower of a child’s mind.

It devolves into a snowball fight.

JAKE

Look at ‘em.

JAKE, 7, and MARK, 5, sit on the steps overlooking the snowy playground and eat their lunches. Jake has ham. Mark has turkey.

Mark looks up from his lunch at the kids, then looks at Jake.

MARK

Can I haf an oreo?

JAKE

See that Mark? You think Santa approves of that nonsense?

Mark looks over at the group and grins.

MARK

SNOWBALLS!

He starts to get up.

JAKE

What- where are you going?

MARK

But I like... They taste good...

JAKE

...Sit down.

Mark sits back down.

JAKE

Mark, if Santa saw you flingin’ snowballs at innocent bystanders, you think he’d give you any presents? Hmm?

MARK

Ima cent standards?

JAKE

Innoce... Nevermind. Here, I’ll split an oreo with you. You know why? ‘Cause Santa loves it when we share.

MARK

YAY!

SUSIE, 7, an adorable, short little girl with brown hair, stops as she walks by.

SUSIE

You STILL believe in Santa?

Jake looks up at her with the same look most people reserve for an infection. Mark nibbles happily at his oreo half.

JAKE

Why wouldn’t I?

SUSIE

My big brother says Santa isn’t real.

JAKE

Yeah well, girls believe anything. OH MY GOD LOOK IT’S A WEASEL RIDING A BICYCLE!

Jake emphatically points behind Susie. She turns around and gasps.

JAKE

See?

SUSIE

Bite me. At least I don’t still believe in Santa.

JAKE

Alright Suz- you mind if I call you Suz?

SUSIE

YES.

Jake notices a little cross around her neck.

JAKE

Ok Suz. Lemme ask you something.

Susie scowls.

JAKE

Does God leave presents under your tree once a year?

SUSIE

No...

JAKE

Will God bring you Call of Duty 4 when you wanna blow up Arabs?

SUSIE

I...

JAKE

Ever seen God at the mall?

Susie starts to wimper in confusion.

JAKE

Come on Susie, you pray and you pray to God but what ever comes of it? Huh? Nothin’. But when you write a Christmas list what happens? Santa delivers, that’s what.

SUSIE

Mommy says only empty people don’t believe in God...

JAKE

Oh that’s all circumstantial. But does that matter to you? Noooo, of course not. No evidence, no proof- just your parents telling you what to do. You like doing everything your parents tell you to?

Susie stammers in frustration. Mark looks up from his turkey sandwich, oblivious to the conversation.

MARK

Did you know that Oreos are made out of conackulated elves?

Jake and Susie stare at Mark.

MARK

I like oreos...

Mark smiles as he chomps back down on his sandwich. Jake stands up.

JAKE

WELL SUSIE, I won’t stand for that. I WON’T stand for circumstantial evidence and authority figures telling me WHO to believe in. I only believe in what’s tangible, what’s REAL.

Susie is on the brink of tears. Jake slowly walks up to her face.

JAKE

And you know who that is?

Jake pauses and saviors the moment.

JAKE

SANTA CLAUS. And he’s gonna drop a load of coal on your puppy this year for not believing in him!

Susie runs off crying. Jake grins satisfactorily, and sits back down with Mark.

JAKE

Girls are stupid.

Mark looks up at him, confused.

MARK

What’s circumcisionial?