Please read Part I and Part II first.

[scrippet]
INT. JAKE & MARK’S BEDROOM – EVENING

Jake slams the door. Mark jumps up from his bed, surprised.

MARK
BEAST WARS!

JAKE
I don’t believe this- can you believe this Mark?!

Jake looks over and notices Mark is wearing a tin foil hat and an Optimus Prime mask. He stares silently at Jake. Jake continues, unphased.

JAKE
IT’S NOT FAIR. Why- how come they getta call Santa fake but I can’t even tell a GIRL she’s stupid for believing in God?!

Jake storms to his door and stops just short of it.

JAKE
THIS IS OPPRESSION. YOU HEAR ME?! OPPRESSION. LIKE THE JEWS.

He walks hastily back to Mark and knocks off the Prime mask and foil hat.

MARK
But I’m a space robot…

JAKE
Come on Mark, we’re gonna make them repent for their sins!

MARK
I DON’T LIKE SNAKES.

Jake pulls Mark off the bed and helps him into a coat. Jake puts his on and looks out their window: four feet below is the garage.

EXT. FALLON HOUSEHOLD – NIGHT

Jake drops silently onto the garage roof and helps Mark out. They tip-toe to the edge and Jake hops off into a snow berm. Mark gleefully follows suit. They head towards a shed in the backyard.

EXT. FALLON BACKYARD – NIGHT – LATER

A red canister empties liquid into a trench in the snow. Jake tosses it away and exhales with satisfaction, stepping backwards to his little brother. He turns to Mark, who’s staring aimlessly into the sky.

MARK
Shiny… Cadillacs…

JAKE
Mark, Santa is really gonna appreciate what we’re doing for him. In fact, he might even bring you more presents for this.

Mark dances a little jig.

JAKE
Mark… Lighter.

Mark hands over the lighter with idiotic pride. Jake flicks it on and tosses it in a trench. The snow lights up with orange flame.

INT. FALLON HOUSEHOLD – EVENING

Dad sits on the couch, passed out. Mom enters the room- cautiously at first, then angrily.

MOM
CARSON!

He falls off the couch in surprise.

DAD
STASH IT BEHIND THE PAINTING.

Dad blinks at Mom. She hurries over to him, determined.

DAD
I mean-

MOM
WHAT did I tell you about lighting up in the house?! We have kids now, Jesus!

DAD
Hey man I wasn’t toking. Peter Jennings is on and-

MOM
What’s that smell then?

They hold in suspended animation.

MOM
JACOB!

EXT. FALLON BACKYARD – NIGHT

Mom and Dad burst out the back door. Flames lick the air twenty feet above Jake and Mark, who stand in silent awe.

MOM
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

JAKE
I’m warning Santa, Mom!

MARK
GIVING STICKS TO THE MAN!

Mark thrusts a fist into the air.

Mom takes a step back from the flames. From the air, the fire in the snow spells out a message:

SANTA, PLZ FIREBOMB THIS HOUSE. KTHX.

MOM
Carson go get the hose!

JAKE
NO DAD.

Mom and Dad stare at Jake. Flames punish the sky like the very fires of hell behind him.

JAKE
You guys don’t get it- Santa has to be real! If he’s not real why am I good all year? Who brings the presents an’ sits in the mall an’ knows what I’m doing and… It just doesn’t… Make any…

Jake collapses to his knees and starts crying. His dad calmly walks over to him and kneels down.

DAD
Hey little man, lemme tell ya something… Your mom has been draggin’ me to church for the last eight years. Eight years, dude, of early mornings, awful awful songs, and scripture passages trippier than Hunter Thompson after a bad night in Amsterdam. But you know what?

Dad leans in close to Jake and almost whispers.

DAD
I never listen.

MOM
CARSON!

Dad holds up a finger to Mom. Jake looks up a little.

DAD
And that’s cool. You know why? ‘Cause I don’t hurt nobody man. I don’t steal, I don’t cheat, nothin’. I hafta play along sometimes but hey- I’m happy! An’ aside from when the guys come over to jam, I think your Mom is happy with me too.

Jake looks up at his dad.

DAD
I eat the cookies. We put out the presents. Marv from down the street chills in the mall all month dressed up as Santa and makes less money than I did busking in Scranton… Santa ain’t real dude, and I’m pretty sure God innit either. But you know what? We’re real. And we’re together.

Dad looks up at the fire and snow covering his lawn, laughing a little.

DAD
Maybe it took settin’ the yard on fire but I think you get it, right man?

Jake smiles.

JAKE
Yeah.

His dad rubs his head playfully.

DAD
Yeah. You got it.

Mom sprays down the flames with a hose. Smoke fills the yard.

MOM
Alright, back to bed everyone.

Dad stands.

DAD
Yeah dudes, don’t ya know it’s Christmas tomorrow?

Jake has an excited grin on his face while they all trudge inside. Mark stops just short of the door.

MARK
But if spoons aren’t real, we can’t be space robots…

Dad gently pushes Mark into the house.

DAD
Right on, man. Right on.

FADE OUT. [/scrippet]

[scrippet]INT. FALLON HOUSEHOLD – EVENING

The news. Football. News. Lifetime. UFOs. Jesus. Zombies.

Jake flicks uninterested through the channels from the couch. His parents quietly enter the room. Dad has a Dead shirt on. Mom is wearing a blatantly festive vest.

DAD
Sweet zombies!

MOM
Carson!

DAD
I mean- Jake! turn that shit off!

MOM
…Language!

DAD
Jesus- ahem, “jeez”. Oh come on, it’s not like he understands any of that yet.

JAKE
(staring into TV)
Shits not nearly as bad as fuck.

Dad stifles a laugh. Mom glares at him. He shrugs.

MOM
Jake, Susie’s mom just called…

Jake rolls his eyes.

MOM
She said you upset her pretty good today.

JAKE
Cooties make girls stupid.

DAD
Oh I wish it were that simple…

Mom gives dad that “look” and turns back to Jake.

MOM
You need to learn some respect, young man- and in front of your little brother! He takes after you, don’t you know that? You’re apologizing to her tomorrow.

JAKE
But MOM! She said Santa isn’t real! All I did was say the same thing about God! Except I had better evidence, of course, and-

MOM
Jacob! It is RUDE to insult somebody’s beliefs.

JAKE
She insulted mine!

MOM
Jake Santa isn’t real.

Mom looks embarrassed. Awkward silence.

DAD
…Smooth.

MOM
Shut up.

Jake gapes at them with disgust.

JAKE
You’re kidding, right?

MOM
Jake…

JAKE
NO, I don’t get it! The milk and cookies, the presents, the smelly fat guy in the mall who looks just like the pictures and who listens to what I want and then BAM, I get it. You tell me all that’s wrong but you keep tryin’ to make me believe that every Sunday when we sit in a building with two wooden sticks nailed together at the top and sing that there’s this invisible old guy in the clouds listenin’ in, and THAT’S all just fine! Even though HE doesn’t give me presents, I never see HIM at the mall, and as far as I know, GOD DOESN’T EAT COOKIES. I DON’T GET IT.

His parents stare at him like cows at a train. His mom sputters in frustration.

MOM
You’re about one step away from being grounded for christma-

JAKE
I don’t care! Santa will understand if I have to yell at non-believers, because it’s THE ONLY WAY TO GET A WORD IN OVER YOUR STUPID.

Jake storms off upstairs. A door slams. His parents stand in silence for a moment.

DAD
Fight the power little man, fight the power.

MOM
And you’re not helping! You’re practically egging him on-

DAD
Oh what’s the harm? You know if we stop taking him to church somebody’d have to stay home with him-

MOM
Don’t even think about it.

DAD
I’m just sayin’- valuable jam time, Sunday mornings.

Mom shakes her head and walks off. Dad stands confused for a moment, then shrugs the whole thing off. He plops down on the couch and flips to the History Channel.

DAD
UFOs! …With Peter goddamned Jennings! Oh man, this is the real deal. Honey- HONEY! You’re gonna miss THE TRUTH!

No answer.
[/scrippet]

I’m postin’ this using Scrippets, so it reads down like the actual script. It might be foreign-looking for some, but I think the lot of you will get it.

Anyways, I give you Santa God. Part I.

[scrippet]EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY

Six or seven second graders work tirelessly to build a snowman. One of those things that has to be done before the bell rings and you get imprisoned in a classroom for the rest of the day. Snowmen. Life or death. a true testament to the skill and willpower of a child’s mind.

It devolves into a snowball fight.

JAKE
Look at ‘em.

JAKE, 7, and MARK, 5, sit on the steps overlooking the snowy playground and eat their lunches. Jake has ham. Mark has turkey.

Mark looks up from his lunch at the kids, then looks at Jake.

MARK
Can I haf an oreo?

JAKE
See that Mark? You think Santa approves of that nonsense?

Mark looks over at the group and grins.

MARK
SNOWBALLS!

He starts to get up.

JAKE
What- where are you going?

MARK
But I like… They taste good…

JAKE
…Sit down.

Mark sits back down.

JAKE
Mark, if Santa saw you flingin’ snowballs at innocent bystanders, you think he’d give you any presents? Hmm?

MARK
Ima cent standards?

JAKE
Innoce… Nevermind. Here, I’ll split an oreo with you. You know why? ‘Cause Santa loves it when we share.

MARK
YAY!

SUSIE, 7, an adorable, short little girl with brown hair, stops as she walks by.

SUSIE
You STILL believe in Santa?

Jake looks up at her with the same look most people reserve for an infection. Mark nibbles happily at his oreo half.

JAKE
Why wouldn’t I?

SUSIE
My big brother says Santa isn’t real.

JAKE
Yeah well, girls believe anything. OH MY GOD LOOK IT’S A WEASEL RIDING A BICYCLE!

Jake emphatically points behind Susie. She turns around and gasps.

JAKE
See?

SUSIE
Bite me. At least I don’t still believe in Santa.

JAKE
Alright Suz- you mind if I call you Suz?

SUSIE
YES.

Jake notices a little cross around her neck.

JAKE
Ok Suz. Lemme ask you something.

Susie scowls.

JAKE
Does God leave presents under your tree once a year?

SUSIE
No…

JAKE
Will God bring you Call of Duty 4 when you wanna blow up Arabs?

SUSIE
I…

JAKE
Ever seen God at the mall?

Susie starts to wimper in confusion.

JAKE
Come on Susie, you pray and you pray to God but what ever comes of it? Huh? Nothin’. But when you write a Christmas list what happens? Santa delivers, that’s what.

SUSIE
Mommy says only empty people don’t believe in God…

JAKE
Oh that’s all circumstantial. But does that matter to you? Noooo, of course not. No evidence, no proof- just your parents telling you what to do. You like doing everything your parents tell you to?

Susie stammers in frustration. Mark looks up from his turkey sandwich, oblivious to the conversation.

MARK
Did you know that Oreos are made out of conackulated elves?

Jake and Susie stare at Mark.

MARK
I like oreos…

Mark smiles as he chomps back down on his sandwich. Jake stands up.

JAKE
WELL SUSIE, I won’t stand for that. I WON’T stand for circumstantial evidence and authority figures telling me WHO to believe in. I only believe in what’s tangible, what’s REAL.

Susie is on the brink of tears. Jake slowly walks up to her face.

JAKE
And you know who that is?

Jake pauses and saviors the moment.

JAKE
SANTA CLAUS. And he’s gonna drop a load of coal on your puppy this year for not believing in him!

Susie runs off crying. Jake grins satisfactorily, and sits back down with Mark.

JAKE
Girls are stupid.

Mark looks up at him, confused.

MARK
What’s circumcisionial?[/scrippet]