Some people like to celebrate Jesus’ superhuman powers today (we should have a day for Magneto and Spiderman too, while we’re at it; I mean come on, they’re just as cool!), but hear ye, Dave is no fan of that.

You see, somehow rabbits got all tangled up in this resurrection, “no really, we weren’t high at the time” business Christians started up after the big guy supposedly came back from the dead. No one is quite sure how this happened- Wikipedia suggests Germany had everything to do with it (those dastardly Germans, always toying with history!)- but beware: Acknowledging rabbits in any sort of celebratory manner relating to false idols (like, invisible men living in the sky; Davidians do not understand how anyone could be so foolish as to believe such a load of crap) is a sin in Dave’s eyes, and you will most certainly be banished to the filth of India for all eternity should you ignore this.

But some ask, “how can we know that Dave does not approve of the eating of chocolate rabbits, or the receiving of gifts from heathen rabbits?” The answer to this question was found on a cave wall under the F.A.Q section of the earliest form of Dave’s holy book (predating even the first draft!). The text preceding the illustration was, “I accepted a Marshmallow bunny* for Easter. How does Dave feel about this?”

Answer:

*Coincidentally, this proves the suspicion that all marshmallow treats provided at holidays today are from a batch created sometime prior to 1000 AD.

Remember: Ancient cave drawings are just as reliable as hazy, ancient personal accounts of biased followers. So take heed today, all you sinners: Dave is casting very disapproving looks at your chocolate rabbits. VERY disapproving looks.

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Ahh, Christmas: That time of year where corporations take the American public out back and feverishly rape ‘em, where conservatives scream bloody murder because, curiously enough, not everyone is Christian, and where the occasional nut claims Jesus was born on the 25th of December and that this somehow warrants throwing pieces of plastic at each other.

But what about Dave?! He too had a son (Marvin) that came to earth and spread all sorts of hodgepodge about being nice to rabbits, not lyin’ and stealin’, and many other wonderful tidbits of common sense. Oh, but the barbarian hordes of the old days did not understand rationality (I mean these people are so dense, you could probably convince them that you walked on water!), so they usually just stared blankly at him when he spoke (the whole rabbit vocalizing thing didn’t appear to phase ‘em, strangely enough).

Oh, but this did not discourage Marvin! Nay, it only empowered him, for rabbits are not ones to take things lying down. He ventured from village to village, spreadin’ the word of Dave to anyone that would listen, and doing so simply out of the goodness of his rabbit soul!

Alas, one fateful day in the mountains of Stan when Marvin was returning to his yurt, he met a beagle. He offered up a hearty “Good day to you, sir!” but the beagle would have none of that, and quickly set to mauling Marvin. Hours later and minus two legs, he was discovered by a lovely young peasant girl taking a stroll. Marvin tried explaining to her who he was, but was only able to emit a few pathetic squeaks. Witnessing this, the peasant girl uttered a fateful “aww”, picked up a nearby rock, and crushed Marvin’s skull into tiny, tiny bits before continuing on her way.

And it is for this reason that on every December 25th (Marvin was actually killed on the 18th of May, but since everybody and their dog has a holiday in the winter, this date was decidedly more appropriate), Davidian families the world over toss confetti into their yard in honor of Marvin’s passing from this world at the cruel, cruel hands of a lowly peasant. Why this tradition, you ask? Oh, no reason: I mean it has about as much to do with Marvin’s death as erecting a tree indoors and tossing some lights on your residence does with birth of some nutty Jew that eventually got pinned to a crucifix. You see, the origin isn’t important anymore despite what certain fundamentalist Davidians would tell you: It’s about bein’ with your loved ones, togetherness, and all that other stuff society tosses out the window a solid 351 days of the year. Sure, we can thank the mentally defective scholars that decided- mostly as an attempt to win a holiday pissing contest with Pagans- to honor Marvin at the end of the year, but beyond that, it’s simply about the here and now.

Merry Marvin Day.

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You should believe in invisible bunny rabbits. Why? Well, take me for example: I worship Dave, the all-powerful invisible bunny rabbit. Now, I don’t have any proof that Dave exists, but I feel it in my heart that he does. Oh sure, like everybody else I’ve had moments where it felt like somebody was standing behind me when in reality, no one was there at all. You know, that simple feeling inside that something behind you exists, when you have no evidence whatsoever that it does? And then you turn around and your feelings are proven wrong… Bah, you know what I mean. But having faith in Dave isn’t like that, obviously.

Anyways, Dave can do all sorts of things that defy the basic laws of physics (talk, sit cross-legged in a chair and discuss the finer points of feudal farming systems, walk on water, etc). Well, that’s what I’ve read anyways; I’ve never actually seen it. But who cares? I’ve devoted my life to worshipping and following his teachings, that’s what matters! He doesn’t want me to do some things that look like a lot of fun, though, but no worries: ‘Tis a small price to pay- not living this life to the fullest, I mean- because when I die, I get to be an invisible bunny rabbit too! Well, again, that’s what I’m told… You see, I don’t have a single shred of physical evidence that I’ll become an invisible bunny rabbit when I die. You know, like an invisible rabbit coming back and saying, “Hey, no seriously, it’s all true man!” or even the great Dave himself telling me that I’m on the right path. Nothing!

But here’s the kicker: That’s the point! I mean, Dave only wants the blindingly ignorant to follow him into that great crop of carrots in the sky. He just can’t have those straight-thinking types (scientists, the sane, etc.) that do silly things like question whether such a being can exist, eating all his carrots! Dave loves everyone, yes, but unless you follow his directions explicitly he’ll send your rabbit soul to India, where they’ll make stew and various superstitious trinkets out of you for all eternity. So, be sure and follow Dave’s Six Sacred Bullet Points in life! They are:

• Strict diet of carrots.
• You MUST have at least 6 children. The number of wives is irrelevant. Can’t conceive? Off to India with you!
• You MUST castrate* yourself after having said amount of children. This is Dave’s way of insuring you don’t go lusting after the neighbors, their dogs, or, well, anything.
  *Dave says women must simply stick a cork in “it”. The majority of Davidians interpret this literally, but many have found duct-tape to be a more effective solution.
• Strictly heterosexual relationships. It’s not that Dave hates gays- well, he really doesn’t say he loves them… Pfft, you know deities: Always vague and forgetful! Honestly, all-knowing deities can’t PREDICT the future and plan accordingly in their books! It’s more of the fact that you can’t accomplish point number 2 without having said type of relationship. Your happiness, like the number of wives you have, is also irrelevant.
• No working on Thursdays! Dave created the solar system in two months, but he always took Thursdays off to kick it and eat carrots. Thus, you should too.
• Kiss your parents’ ass your entire life (no spitting on their graves!). Even if they abuse you. And molest you with a baseball bat. They’re your parents, dammit!

For these points and more, along with some nifty color pictures not offered by most Holy Scriptures, pick up The Holy Book Of Dave wherever cult reading material is available!

I know, I know, you may have heard about or even read Dave’s first draft of His Holy Word, where he tells you to beat your children with sledgehammers if they disobey you, gouge out your own or loved one’s eyes if they look upon any rabbit (all of which are holy and sacred) in hunger or lust, that whipping your slaves (Dave prefers Native Americans, since they don’t serve any other useful purpose) is not only smiled upon, but mandatory, and that NOT working 7 days a week will land you in India. Dave was merely joking around when he wrote that! An all-knowing deity like Dave can’t be contradicting himself, so he was obviously just messing with us! Fuck, people can be soooo narrow-minded sometimes!

But if you’re even asking yourself why you should bother following Dave’s Six Sacred Bullet Points, I hope you enjoy the harsh, fecal-matter-strewn climate of India. Dave does not take kindly to questions about His rules. In fact, only by saying you’re really, really, sorry will he forgive you for committing such a sin. See? Dave is all-loving! You just have say, “I sorrys sir, it won’t happen again,” and you’re forgiven! Zip-Pow, done! You go to Dave’s Paradise instead of some filthy country filled with poorly bathed inhabitants.

Again, it all boils down to having FAITH in Dave! Haha, I mean, it’s so simple! You just tell yourself that He exists based on vague mental sensations and viola: You get to be an invisible bunny rabbit when you die!

You’d have to be some sort of moron NOT to have faith in a deity like Dave…

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