Every once in awhile you meet some of these creatures that live and breathe outdoor “excitement” and can’t stand being cooped up. They’re the ones that mock the nerds whenever they walk by, or ridicule anyone whose existence doesn’t revolve entirely around interacting with humanity. You know, fucktards.

Oh sure, getting outside is great- healthy, fun even. I plan to do just that most of the summer and enjoy the SHIT out of it. And socializing can be nifty too-  but it’s that smugness of “hadurr hadurr I hiked seven miles up hill both ways before coming to a ten hour shift at work, what did YOU do today?” or “man, I totally got hawaaasted with a bunch of strangers and to music so staggeringly appalling it makes the Holocaust look like a good time- you know, YOU need to do it more often!” that makes you wanna punch cute animals and punt infants.

Example A: Two kids walk by talking (very) enthusiastically about their gaming escapades of the day (Left 4 Dead, and for what sounded like many hours) and Activetard to my right goes “wow, sounds like THEY had an exciting day.” Hey, you know what else is exciting? Standing this close to such a failure of a person. It’s almost awe-inspiring to see someone so blatantly ignorant that they’re revolted by people with different lifestyles. No, they don’t climb mountains in their spare time. You do. I know, your insecurities as a bwig-twuff-male make it hard to understand concepts such as “diversity” and “cooperative team-play”, especially since both can take place *gasp* in-doors and outside the reach of the sun, but you can always keep your mouth shut. How do I know that? Why, because it’s what you do when your aversions are within ear-shot! And how.

Example B: A foreign exchange “student” asks me what I do for fun, fails to grasp the answer of “whatever I want” (she’s from the former Soviet Bloc; concepts of freedom must be difficult), and proceeds to tell me that I should go to clubs, because “that’s what they do in cities, like L.A.” Well, pardon-fucking-me and my poor understanding of American culture, what with having lived here my entire life. You’re right: I should really take part in popular culture, just because it’s popular, more often. Just think! I could wear the EXACT same thing as 90% of all guys on campus, I could fuck things that look like easy-bake skeletons with breasts, I could waste all my money on alcohol, I could go around claiming that people who create basic rhythms with electronic software are “talented” AND blast said “talent” at such ludicrous volumes that it makes normal eardrums quake in their boots, I could type lik th1s- holy fucking balls, that sounds like a blast! See, here I was thinking I could do whatever I found personally fulfilling including, but not limited to, NOT taking E and getting raped over a toilet, speaking and typing like I’m not a four year old with mental defects, not interacting with ignorant elitist halfwits, bullshitting with random friends, watching a movie, appreciating the quiet beauty of solitude, and other fantastic stuff that serves the purpose of pleasing “me” and not fulfilling whatever lifestyle I wish everyone else to perceive that I have.

I’m certainly not defending the sort of people that play WoW all day (because suffering through non-enjoyment for actual enjoyment =/= fun; also: addiction), and I firmly believe that being at least semi-social and active is, at the very least, a plus for mental and physical health. But choosing to remain ignorant to technological or non-social pleasures in life as if it were the CORRECT option, is completely asinine. But hey, at least they know how to listen to really shitty music all the time and brag all day about why they have zero energy. Maybe that’s more useful than self-enjoyment that doesn’t revolve around an “image”.

What the fuck would I know? I run a website.

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So there I was Monday night in downtown Bozeman, “helping” (different rant) with a junior’s film shoot. This particular scene that we were shooting involved a drunken truck driver swerving around a road at stupid speeds and (in the film’s reality) running the fuck over a suicidal immortal. Having a nifty truck, I was elected to be the drunk. Naturally a scene like this calls for road closures, so a permit was obtained, the appropriate people notified (police, city, nearby residents), and “road closed” signs put up at every entrance to this street. I mean, we can’t have me smashing into oncoming traffic.

Now, keep in mind these are real “road closed” signs; the sorts they’d put in front of a cliff leading down to infinity and/or an enormous barrel of demonic monkeys. And just in case those didn’t work, we even put up big fancy orange road cones (the five feet tall kind) on the sides. Allow me to illustrate this:

As you can see, my path is safely blocked off, right? WRONG. First rehearsal of the shot, I come barreling down (about 30 mph) the road, swerving and all that jazz. Just before I get to the camera, a white car comes pulling through the barrier in the top right of the illustration. Now I was already pressing on the brakes because I only wanted to get a feel for the action (hence, rehearsal) but had I not been, they would’ve got a side full of S10. That wasn’t the first car of the night to do that, but it WAS the first (and thankfully only) one that could’ve hurt something. Strangely, the sound guy is the only other person who was just as confused and concerned as I was, so we move some cones and even went as far as pushing one sign back between parallel parked cars (leaving zero room for maneuvering around). Alas, we couldn’t do that with all the signs…

I don’t know if there’s a word or phrase to accurately describe what took place over the next half hour of shooting (shocking, utter failure of the theory that people are born with common sense comes close, I suppose). But I spent most of the time between takes around the corner (where the truck is in the illustration) waiting for action to be called via cell phone since I was out of earshot. As a result, I had a chance to observe a lot of traffic being introduced to the signs, and these people generally fell into two groups:

Group A – Mentally challenged, but cautious. These people would drive right up to the sign after turning onto the street, and proceed to sit there for several minutes. I imagine conversations in their vehicles went like this:

“Road closed… Huh.”
“What’ddya think that means?”
“I’m not sure. Don’t look like we can go around. That’s just odd. Why would anyone put up a sign like that?”
“Beats me… Couldn’t be anythin’ serious like a busted pipe under the road or maybe some construction.”
“Obviously.”
“Huh.” (picks nose)

In two cases I flashed my brights and, when one of them thought they should start to pull around, I sped up and stopped in their path. So, this species of degenerate fucktard was annoying, but largely harmless. Buuuut then there’s…

Group B – The larger of the two, this group is illiterate and proudly lacking any common sense. These folks drove right up to the signs and felt it was perfectly ok to move them and go around, some without any hesitation whatsoever. In one instance, one of them revved their engine and drove over the curb instead- too lazy to turn around, and far too lazy to move the sign and not risk damaging their vehicles, I guess. I estimate that, in the span of 30 minutes, no less than half a dozen people in Group B came along. But my favorite moment with these unlovable cunts occurred while waiting between takes: A white car pulled up to the sign across the road from my waiting area, and in less than five seconds a man got out the passenger side and proceeded to move the road cone on the side of the sign, all while talking on his cell phone as if his actions were just as common as tying his shoe (though, after seeing this, I seriously suspect he has trouble doing that). Once I attached my jaw back onto my skull, I got out and walked over to him. As I did, his car slowly started to pull forward (there’s a driver and another passenger still inside). The conversation went like this:

“Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?”
The man stares at me for a moment, confused, then slowly says, “We’re going through here…”
“You know, the road closed signs are up for a reason.”
“…What’re you doing?”
“We’re shooting a movie, we have permits and city officials are notified. And moving road signs without permission is pretty much illegal.”
“…Ah. So… Do you want us to turn around?”
Given that the car was already halfway there and that we weren’t shooting, I told him “don’t fucking do it again” and moved the sign behind my truck to let them through.

Less fun was a take or two before that moment, when a kid came around the corner to the left of my waiting area with his lights off, stopped by me, got out and without saying anything, began to move the sign behind my truck. I rolled my window down:

“Hi.”
“How’s it going?”
“What the FUCK are you doing?”
“…I live here. What the fuck are you doing?”
“We’re shooting a movie dammit, the signs are up for a reason.”
“Well I turned my lights off.”

I didn’t feel like getting in a fight, so I got out and moved the sign. But fucking hell, since when does “road closed” translate to “turn your lights off and go around”? Even small children, with their miniscule mental capacity and limited reasoning abilities would be able to figure out that A) The camera is STILL going to see your haggard-ass truck rolling down the road because, omg, God invented street lights to illuminate the road and B) the fact that your lights are off makes it even MORE distracting.

Never in my life have I seen such an astounding display of stupidity. In the three years that I’ve been posting on this site, there is not ONE moment that I feel compares to this. Ok sure- think for yourself, question authority, and all that other wonderful stuff that makes for an intelligent populous. But for fuck’s sake, “road closed” is not like “eat your vegetables”. It’s not an option, it’s not a suggestion- it’s a FACT. It means the road is unsuitable for traveling because there’s a cliff ahead, there’s construction, a busted pipe, fresh asphalt, people working, flocks of midgets, pants, dinosaurs and/or fucking quicksand ahead. It means, YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

…Actually, after discussing this with my brother, I think “Road closed – Quicksand” might be more effective:

“Road closed. Well fuck this I’m go-… Wait, quicksand? Oh shit… Well, damn. I mean potentially causing thousands in damage by wandering over construction is fine and stuff, but… Quicksand. That shit eats people. Fuck this, I’m turning around.”

So here’s to Bozeman, now home of the main reason I have no hope for the human race. Cheers.

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*looks down* So apparently I never post here anymore, which is silly considering what I’m paying for this site. However, it seems that Myspace is a superb medium for my ranting these days, given that people actually read what I post there (apparently, a sarcastic asshole in contrast to a bulletin monkey is a refreshing read for some people). And seeing as things disappear rather quickly over there, I’m going to start taking the angry anti-bulletin rants I make and post them here. That way, there’s some semblance of activity occurring here, and I’m not as disappointed to see my words buried under a sea of garbage . So, let’s kick things off:

The following is the original bulletin that was posted:

Title: DONT PUMP GAS ON MAY 15TH

Body: On May 15th all myspace members are to not go to the gas station in protest high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most places. There are 72,110,073 members currently on the network, and the average car takes about 20 to 30 dollars to fill up. If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th it would take $2,163,302,190.00 out of the oil companys pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May 15th and lets try to put a dent in the oil industry for at least one day.

If you agree repost this bulletin repost it with ‘Don’t pump gas on May 15th’

And this is my response:

Apparently, somewhere between 2 and midnight, there has been a veritable spurt of people posting “rawr rawr don’t buy on May 15th, you’ll make rich people all sad, and that’s aaaawesome”. To those people posting, I say:

You

Are

Fucking morons.

Let’s analyze why. It’ll be fun!

First, the title:

“DONT PUMP GAS ON MAY 15″

Wait wait, this has to be a joke, right? Right? Nobody is actually so goddamned, inconceivably, utterly FUCKING RETARDED as to think that the entirety of the world gets gas all on the same day? Right? Please tell me nobody is that incoherent and small-minded, please? That would pretty much refute the theory of human evolution…

“On May 15th all myspace members”

Aaand STOP. The average myspace member can barely remember that they posted 4 bulletins 5 seconds ago. They’re going to remember to NOT do something in a month? There’s being optimistic, and then there’s being a goddamn lunatic. This assumption is the latter.

“If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th it would take $2,163,302,190.00 out of the oil companys pockets for just one day,”

This may come as a surprise to you, so hold onto your seat. Ready?
Myspace is:

A) Not just American soooo… The dollar amount? Yeah, last I checked, despite our best efforts, we haven’t taken over the world. Not everyone uses the dollar, numbnuts.

B) In conjunction with A (I know, I’m using lots of words so you’re probably tired by now- what with your IQ of 6- but keep at it), do you have ANY idea how many people in metropolitan areas don’t even OWN cars? Jesus H. Babcock, not everyone is a fat tub of lard. And then there’s that whole public transportation nonsense that OMG, is still being used! Ha! Imagine that! Buses, trains, subways, oh my! Why, who EVER would use those? Surely only the poor, RIGHT?

C) Also filled with 13 year old children who
_1) Don’t have the mental capacity to operate a steering wheel.
_2) AREN’T FUCKING OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE.

Oh, but that’s not all folks! Then we have THIS brilliant closing line:

“lets try to put a dent in the oil industry for at least one day.”

Waaaaaaoooooh, move OVER Rupert Murdoch! Here comes the ambition train! This is an awesome plan. In fact, I think we could’ve used this “let’s be motivated for exactly one day” strategy elsewhere in history:

1. Colonization of North America. We shoulda landed, made lunch, and then said fuck it. We’re full, lets go home.

2. D-Day. I mean really, why bother after owning the beaches in France? That was plenty of nazi ass-kicking! All that hullabalo in Holland, the Ardennes, etc? Yeah, waaaaaaay too much work if you ask me.

3. Martin Luther King. All that marching and such, honestly! We got the point after the first one, was all that repetitious nonsense about “blah blah black people blah blah” REALLY necessary?

This is why Myspace is depressing. It turns people that I otherwise enjoy into sheep. You’re wanna be activists, you know that? You’re the sort of people that go, “lawl, I h4te bush 2!!!” because you think that means you’re taking a stand against something.

You’re wrong.

What, is it somehow OK to do stupid shit that in principal (I don’t use “in theory”, because this theory is about as coherent as Helen Keller) MIGHT hurt someone powerful? People don’t take stands just to “fuck with the man”, they do it because it actually MEANS something to them. Not “oh yah, lik, gas is toatli expensive. It rully dranes my mom’s wallet, lawl”.

Do you want to put a dent in the oil executives pockets?
Shoot yourself, tard. Nobody likes a money-obsessed asshole.

Do you want to do something GOOD for the environment?
Use public transportation, walk, ride a fucking BIKE. And REGULARLY. Not just for a day, not for a week. Do that, and THEN you’ll make a difference.

Stop posting faux-protest bulletins. Not only will you save the valuable IQ points of everyone on your friends list that may read it, but you’ll at least give the appearance that you have a high school education.

Your friendly neighbor,
Chris Balboni.

Comments(18)

Do you spend the majority of your waking hours inside a video game?

Ever discussed- with a sick, creepy orgasmic happiness- how awesome your bard is?
Done that for longer than 20 minutes?

How about skipped a class that you’re paying money to be in… So you could play a video game instead? And if so, how does it feel being one step above actual mental retardation?

Are the majority of your friends as narrow in their social mindset as you?

In fact, do you speak to your “friends” more online than in person?

For that matter- Ever had someone break up with you and give the reason, “You pay more attention to WoW than to me”?

Is this statement true: “Leveling Up > Spending time hanging out with friends in a real social setting”?

Does the thought of discussing anything outside of a single, solitary video game just freak you the hell out?

When presented with any of the above questions, do you laugh because they’re true?

You see, the people I know that play WoW (among whom- I might add- every one of the questions above rings true for) think it’s just a goddamn laugh riot how much time they sink into the game. Folks, I’ve spent the majority of my life playing video games, but never have any of my habits even come close to comparing to those of the majority of the WoW community. I’m not gonna knock anyone for really enjoying doing something- hell, sometimes all I want to do for an evening is kill things in Battlefield 2- but when the entirety of someone’s personal life consists of doing nothing more than playing one, single video game… That’s not enjoyment. That’s obsession. For the love of fucking hell, I’ve even listened to these people talk about how tedious it gets- I mean when you’re spending hours upon hours completing tasks that you personally find insignificant and boring, what the hell is wrong with you? Did your parents body slam you as a wee tot? That’s not gaming, fucktard. Maybe I can simplify this: Not having fun =/= Having fun. Now see, I find that quite easy to understand, but maybe that’s why I’m not much for RPGs. The idea of leveling up doing boring, repetitive tasks just seemed… Well, idiotic. But hey, that’s just me apparently.

I know, there’s not a person alive who can claim they’ve never been obsessed with something in their life- but for most people, obsession ends. Not so with the people I speak of. They embrace it. They cling to it because apparently, their life and minds are so empty that a MMORPG is the absolute pinnacle of existence.

So this isn’t a laughing matter, morons. Wake up. Or kill yourself. At this point I’m more than willing to say that the latter isn’t going to cost the human race much- because there’s so much in life to see, enjoy, laugh and think about that has nothing, nothing to fucking do with World Of Warcraft. The reason people walk away from you when they hear your discussion of “omg, I’ve totally spent all week trying to conquer such and such/level up my character” isn’t because they “don’t get it”- it’s because they do, and it depresses the shit out of them that anything on this earth could be such an enormous waste of oxygen.

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I’d like to take a brief break from my full schedule of doing fuck-all to talk about a fascinating internet phenenomenon that I am neither the first, nor the last, to have a love/hate relationship with:

Myspace.

The above name will either induce a groan of disdain or remind you to go check your messages in your profile ’cause hey, it’s probably been 5 minutes. At any rate, everyone and their dog (I have a terrible feeling that I’m not exaggerating with that line) has an account these days, including myself. But that’s just thing: I’ve been traipsing around the internet for a large part of my life, and one thing I’ve discovered is there’s a large section of the human population that should be blocked off from web-page design by a 100 foot thick concrete barrier guarded around the clock by personnel with automatic weapons and attack-badgers. And a small percentage of that population, well, should just be shot for even thinking of accessing the internet.

Now before I launch into this next bit, don’t get me wrong: The principal behind Myspace is one that I whole-heartedly support. However, with every great idea are a few side effects, often negative. Myspace’s shortcomings just happen to show off the depressingly fast decline of civilization, that’s all. Here’s how:

- Retarded, color-blind monkeys can make better pages that are easier on the eyes than some of the shit I’ve seen: text the same color as the background, color-schemes of hot pink and puke-green, black text on dark background, and ridiculous static-image backgrounds that you can’t see text over because when you scroll the text is the same fucking color as the picture. You know, it’s the sort of thing that takes common sense, chops it into little bits, and throws it screaming in agony from twelve stories up.

- Streaming media and the halfwits that don’t understand “no, listening to two tracks at once is NOT appealing.” Thankfully Myspace wised up and now allows you to disable music from automatically playing on profiles, but I STILL come across pages with two, sometimes three streaming windows media files that love to buffer all at once. Not only that, but 90% of the time it’s some overplayed shitacular excuse of a music video and RARELY anything you’d want to see. No no really, I WANT to see the latest hip-hop video that looks EXACTLY like the rest of the lot, or Marilyn Manson because I didn’t get my fill when MTV whored the shit out of him in the late 90’s.

- Ebonics inbreeding with chat lingo. There is no larger concentrated effort of raping and pillaging the English language than Myspace. Not only do you have people who are well over the age of 15 that don’t know TyPiNg LiKe ThIs is something 10 year old girls typically do because their parents didn’t slap any sense into them before throwing a keyboard at them, but you have people (“gangsta-g”s, wiggers, and other suburban degenerates) that somehow COMBINE the verbal excrement that is Ebonics with the typing equivalent known as chat lingo, forming sentences like “u kn0 dat’z hawt b1tch”. Now as fascinating as the evolution of a language is, this is like watching the average Arkansas family tree form from its roots: Starts off amusingly enough, but by the end there’s so many deformities and syndromes that you want to vomit and murder all at once. Hell, as I write this Myspace is down (a whole issue unto itself), and have a look at their notice. Sure, in chat no caps and missing apostrophes is a given, but on the main page of a site getting tens of thousands of unique visitors every hour? That’s not an assertion of style- that’s being a lazy incompetent moron. Go Tom!

On a side-note to the picture, it was at least 5 hours before they came back online. Nice estimating, dipshits.

- Glitches, errors, and generally more technical difficulties than you would think possible given the site’s popularity (then again, I guess patience could be a side effect of stupid) . Oh it’s a blast: You leave a comment, but there’s a solid chance it’ll hang/generate an error, making you either a) wait it out for eternity or b) re-post it and then BAM, your comment is double-posted and you look like an assclown. Then there’s the lovely “server is too busy!” message- you know, Fox gave them $580 million for rights, but by the looks of it they pissed it all away on hookers and crack instead of something equally fun, yet far safer: Bandwidth! As for the whole “routine maintenance” on profiles… I think someone needs to explain to Myspace what “routine” means, because it’s certainly not spots of time ranging from 5 minutes to 2 hours at any random part of the day. With the amount of traffic that Myspace generates on a daily basis, it would seem logical to have a large unit of professional technicians caring for the servers daily and working out kinks. So either these people don’t exist, or it’s actually a tight-knit group of mentally handicapped 5 year olds. I’m betting on the latter.

- Encouraging the proliferation of comment fishing. Let’s just toss self-esteem issues out the window- nobody is gonna post a picture of themselves if they really think they’re ugly because short of being forced to do it, that’s just not how reality works. Yet still you have girls (and occasionally, guys) posting a self-pic with a caption like “zOMG I’m hideous”…. Followed by a dozen comments telling them how great looking they are. And I’d almost despise these people for using their “friends” (more on that in a moment) just for a self-esteem boost but you know what? Fuck the people responding to them as well, because they could be teaching said person a valuable lesson by posting “yeah jeez, you ARE hideous. Did you get hit by a bus?”

- Friend whoring. Myspace took the word “friend” and sucked all that was good and right from it, because there’s an overwhelming abundance of people with 500+ friends. Now I understand bands or people that have done something legitimately popular having that amount of people added, but when you see an average 17 year old kid from some no-name town with nothing of any interest on their page and 1200 friends, you just want to smack them. No moron, I’d bet my left pinkie (and I LOVE my left pinkie) that you have 2, maybe 3 friends tops in real life and play with the imaginary ones/yourself far more often. This is like the kids in my town with over-sized trucks that make a shit-ton of noise to compensate for their short-comings as men; no, that big impressive number does not make you impressive by association. It does, however, make you look like a senseless, pathetic failure at life.

But aside from the technical issues (and what I mentioned above barely scratches the surface) the creators behind Myspace can’t really be blamed- after all, it’s not entirely their fault that most people who find their way to the site lack any grasp whatsoever of aesthetic value or the English language. As I said before, the idea is one I’m behind: It’s easily the greatest free tool on the internet for promoting yourself, your band, art, etc. And aside from that, it makes it mildly more entertaining to keep in touch with friends. At least, the ones that aren’t color blind monkeys with down syndrome.

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I’d like to dedicate the following to the fine folks in charge of my school. I know you’re reading this, so this one is juuust for you.

Let’s start off with something simple, like this word: Bullshit. You may be wondering what, exactly, bullshit is. Well! It’s wonderful that I’m here to enlighten you folks (hell I’ve already got you spying on my page and making pathetic attempts at monitoring my forum, so you may as well learn something while you’re here). This is what bullshit is:

It’s when a man- specifically the father of a great teacher who was killed last year- out of the massive generosity of his heart, donates $18,000 in scholarship money to students attending the public school his son taught at, only to have the honor of receiving such a generous gift shunned because the people in charge of that school are far more interested in covering their own asses than anything else. Moreover, those people covering their asses? They’re too fearful to explain to the general populous why- which is fantastically ironic, considering the only thing they’re afraid of is based on hearsay. Aw, is we afwaid of public backlash? Hmm? Yeah, if you’re going to throw bullshit at us at least give us the real reason behind it, you cowards. This teacher that we’re remembering? Did nothing but good for this school while he was here and to illustrate that, here stops the charades:

The man in question- this man- was involved with marijuana. There is solid evidence the man smoked it, nobody denies that. However, there is not solid evidence (see above reference to “hearsay”) that he did anything more with it. And I don’t know about you, but I rather like the idea of “innocent until proven guilty” and I find it more than offensive that anyone is willing to forfeit the memory of a great teacher over a stupid decision he may or may not have made. And you know, even if he had made that decision I would bet any important appendage of mine that it was an isolated incident and he wasn’t interested in doing it again, because if there’s one thing high school kids are good at, it’s finding out the details to these sorts of things.

Let’s take a look at another word: Hypocrisy. Hypocrisy is when you advertise to students for applications to this scholarship in your daily announcements for a solid week, but turn right around after the winners have been chosen and claim you have no interest in congratulating them publicly. If that’s how you choose to respect your students, then way to go guys! As far respect that you deserve goes, you’ve just relegated yourselves to the level of pond scum! Very nice!

And our last word of the day: Morons. You give students a chance to win a large amount of money- in an amount that would make ANY PARENT PROUD to have their kid stand up in front of an audience and receive- but won’t recognize in public that you did? And you justify your hypocrisy based on something that you’ve known all along? It’s a wonder your spawn don’t have down syndrome, because that is some sad and deeply rooted idiocy.

Everyone makes stupid mistakes and Groff was very much human. So while you sit there and piss all over his family’s continued generosity to this community, understand this- We knew him, you didn’t. We knew what kind of person he was, and it was the sort that deserves a scholarship in his name to be recognized. Pot and any activities relating to the use of it, is not murder. It is not pedophilia. It is not even close to the damage you risk inflicting by buying booze for minors. He never put a child in harm’s way, and I guarantee you he went out of his way to make sure he didn’t do that or anything else that would harm the precious little reputation we have as a school system. But apparently, this is the sort of man we shouldn’t honor in public.

Funny, just when you think you’ve got the right idea of what’s fair and what isn’t- BAM! You get jump-kicked in the face by a redneck.

But hey, it certainly is lovely seeing institutions run by the same insecure halfwits I’ve put up with every day of my life in high school. I mean isn’t it comforting to know that civilization is slowly de-evolving into a constant state of fear over what everyone might think? Because we’re well on our way to that state when the people in charge of our public schools are absolutely terrified that someone would think they made a mistake in hiring a teacher that wasn’t squeaky clean in their personal life, yet clearly loved his job and would never have done anything to jeopardize the life of a student.

Like I said, this post is just for you. Hypocritical, bullshitting, cowardly morons that you are.

Comments(6)

By the time you hit your senior year of high school, you’ve seen just about every fashion trend you care to. You think it’s over. You think maybe this year people have realized that looking completely shallow isn’t terribly appealing. You think your eyes have been insulted more times than humanly possible. And you’re dead… Fucking… Wrong.

The worst part about “fashion trends” in high school is that the lot of them are based off of, or at least originated with, music. And I figure, “meh, shitty music deserves a shitty look”. But no, trend whores just can’t leave the good stuff alone can they?

Enter Pink Floyd. And I swear if any of you reading this have never heard a Pink Floyd song but sport any of their apparel, I hope you die a slow, painful death at the teeth of a very angry and diseased rodent. That’s right, thanks to the fine folks at Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and the rest of the grand ol’ mega-corporations currently taking over the country, t-shirts sporting the Dark Side Of The Moon album cover are now widely available to young tykes 12-15 years of age. Oh, but we should be happy relatively good albums and great bands are being tacked onto t-shirts en masse for the pathetically impressionable youth of America to be wearing, shouldn’t we?

FUCK NO. Sure, somebody with an Ashlee Simpson shirt on is probably completely worthless (or deaf; or, most likely, both), but worse than that is somebody who doesn’t even HAVE the musical taste that their apparel would lead you to believe they do. For example, my first day back at school I saw no less than four kids parading around in the same exact Pink Floyd “Dark Side Of The Moon” shirt (our student population is less than 200, so yes, it’s actually noticeable), and I would bet any number of important appendages that I possess that not a single one of them has listened to that album all the way through.

For crying out loud Pink Floyd is prog rock, a genre that does nothing if not defy trends. And what happens to them after their musical career ends? They turn into a trend. Irony is such a blast…

Hell, while we’re at it, let’s take a look at two of the other fascinatingly moronic things people are calling “a look” these days:

Emo kids – Cutting yourself because “pain r0×0rz!!1″, wearing heaps of eyeliner, having some of the most obnoxious and ridiculous hairstyles known to modern man (and that includes 80’s punk), appearing to be anorexic, and generally walking around looking like somebody just stomped your pet bunny to death is one way of spending your adolescence. Another is simply living up to your own hype and getting rid of yourself, thereby saving the rest of us the trouble of looking at you and putting a lot of really shitty bands out of business in the process. A win-win situation!

HIM fanatics – HIM is a generic and lyrically stupid Goth-rock band from a country that has produced DOZENS of far, far more talented ones. So why do so many people like them? Because some assclown with a camera and zilch in the way of common sense got popular (imagine that) and along the way decided “hey, their logo is purdy, so the music can’t be that bad!” That’s another thing: Stop kidding yourself if you think a heartagram is somehow a clever design; 12 year olds with MS Paint can scribble out more meaningful crap in 5 minutes. On the other hand, I guess I could say their devoted following is a fine example of how sheep-like many teens are these days. But then I’d be insulting sheep…

Why do people abandon logic and reason in the face of vanity? Hell if I know. Probably the same reason they watch American Idol: Repeated blows to the head when they were small children.

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You see that? Do you see it? No seriously, stare reeeeallly hard at that. Got it? Comprehend that that’s a vehicle? Ok, now: Explain why, in the name of all that is logical, decent, and RIGHT in this world, somebody would put themselves INSIDE that in public. Can’t do it? Neither can I.

Scion xB is the technical term for painfully ugly these days, and apparently it’s a very desirable characteristic, since I see them all over the place now. The really strange thing is I don’t see the little handicapped logo on license plates for them; why isn’t this required? Anyone who wants to own one of these is obviously either completely blind or outright retarded. Fucking hell, just LOOK at it! It’s like a clown car, only instead of being purely for comedic effect, it’s meant to be “hip” or “edgy” or some other buzzword I’m glad isn’t in my everyday vocabulary. And it comes in bright orange for crying out loud! Do you see the irony in giving this vehicle a color scheme that’s often used by hunters to avoid being shot?

You’re probably saying to yourself, “Pft, beauty is in the eye of the beholder” or something to that effect about now. You know what? There’s some things in life that simply are NOT good looking, no matter how you look at them. A breakdown of the other things:

- Emo kids. In a nutshell: Guys in girl’s pants. Who wear makeup. Strikingly similar to transvestites, only depressed and uglier.
- Goths. As fun as living like it’s Halloween everyday must be, having six pounds of black makeup on your face, fangs, and an faux obsession with death is just slightly sadder than having Down Syndrome.
- Tribal “armband” tattoos. They’re just too original and exciting looking.
- Disgustingly overweight women in belly shirts. I covered this in an earlier post, but essentially, they’re the bionic form of a Scion.
- 95% of the accounts on Myspace. Having shitty streaming videos that no one but you cares about, 50+ monstrous pictures one after the other, and bright text on a bright background all on the SAME PAGE certainly strikes me as something only a color-blind monkey would do, but by the looks of it, that’s just me.
- Heartogram tattoos. A rant unto themselves, but honestly, it’s the same as tattooing “kick me” on yourself.

I simply ask that you once again scroll up and stare really hard at that thing, and please, if it “clicks” after a few minutes that it’s the coolest looking thing since God invented lightning, tell me. My stomach begins to churn after gazing at it for just five seconds.

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Awhile back I decided I would go looking for some of the blogs from around here. Why? Sheer boredom and the expectancy of finding someone over 18 living around here with writing abilities. Can’t say there were too many results, but there didn’t need to be. The few I found were more than I could handle as they had this nasty tendency to look to one thing to solve their problems. And I quote:

“[you should] let God guide you instead of trying to guide yourself.”

Oh, grand idea! I have to work tomorrow, but I don’t want to. Hmm, maybe I should let God decide for me. He would know best too, because he can see into the frickin’ future! He’s like a superhero! Maybe there’ll be a big fire that kills everybody at the store, and since I’m the most special-est person on the face of the earth, he’ll tell me “Hark! STAY HOME TODAY.” But God’s real clever, he won’t just come out and say it. He’ll do something ingenious like give me a small case of leprosy, causing me to stay home, and THEN torch the joint. Or, you know, talk to me using one of the voices in my head. Deities are shy…

And if something terrible does happen, and I live because I stayed home, then that’s CLEARLY proof of his existence. I mean, evidence just doesn’t get any better than that!

I love how people are willing to attribute damn near anything in their lives to God. Feeling sick? Close your eyes, talk aloud (all knowing deities can’t hear your thoughts, of course), and God will help you get better. Want to live through a dangerous event? Just ask for his help! I mean, I’m sure of the 3,000 or so that died on 9/11, not a one was begging for divine intervention because if they had, they’d obviously still be here. A fool-proof scheme, if I do say so myself.

And when they’re not asking for direct intervention, it’s for “the strength”. OoOh, please God! Give me strength to get through this difficult time! Give me strength to eat that carrot! Give Joe-Bob the strength to win his go-kart derby!

And there’s nothing like being told “God has a plan” or some other line of garbage when somebody dies. Why not tack on a few words in front of that like “I have no clue why that happened, but…”? Hmm, I suppose it’s less comforting when you have the whole line of thought out there isn’t it?

Hell, while we’re on the business of fate, let’s take a moment for astrology: That lovely belief system propagated by the sub-species that is New-Agers. And if you laugh at astrology but still believe God is in control of your destiny, congratulations on living in a constant state of hypocrisy! It’s no less ridiculous an idea than this one being, whom nobody has ever had any physical evidence of existing, is controlling not only YOUR life, but everyone else’s.

Anyways, astrology is much more fun when you have an actual astrologist to quote. Here’s one trying to explain the fundamentals of it:

We respond to a broad spectrum of radiant frequencies, not all of which have yet been catalogued by science. Bear in mind it was not so long ago that the idea of radio, movies, x-rays and televison signals would have been consigned to ridicule at best — or, more ominously, to the stake with the witches.

Right. And I suppose that astrologists, being the clever arm-chair researchers they are, know better than scientists that these range of “radiant frequencies” we respond to are indeed out there. I’m sure scientists, some of whom devote their entire lives to ACTUALLY STUDYING these things, will catch up with these obvious geniuses soon and announce the existence of such rays.

Some astrologers believe that planetary energies themselves generate events in our lives — and given recent advances in quantum mechanics, they may be right.

Cleverly skipping past exactly what these advances are, we dive right into this…

Others believe, following Jung, the great psychologist, that planetary positions are synchronistically connected with our lives.

What the bloody fucking hell does psychology have to do with the study of planetary positions? I’m quite sure minds are not planets (in any literal sense), so what would Jung know? Oh, oh! Nothing.

Perhaps both are correct; in any case, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

No, the “proof of the pudding lies” in the ingredients. Just because it tastes like pudding, doesn’t mean that it is.

^ Deep.

this writer believes we are organically connected with the cosmos: whatever happens to any part of the world affects us to some extent as individuals, even in ways which may be quite invisible to the casual observer.

I wonder if he gets off on making shit up without any sort of evidence to back it. I believe there’s these hairy, nine feet tall monsters living in my backyard, and you should too. Why? Because I said so!

Moreover, history shows us that we react en masse much more noticeably to environmental factors which may be more or less insignificant at the individual level.

Look look, evidence! Oh, wait- False alarm! For a minute there I thought he cited some…

As human beings and spiritual entities, it is more important to understand our place in the world than to worry too much about such technicalities.

Yes, exactly! Never bother to think things all the way through! Especially beliefs that you base part, if not all, of your life on. They’re much easier to accept that way.

It should be said that astrology is not generally a way of foretelling inevitable fate…. While planetary influences create the groundwork and basis for action in any set of circumstances, there is still the element of free will in us all.

Ever read a horoscope that starts off with “You may…”, “Today, you probably…”, or “Your inclination will be..”? No? Me either.

I could spend hours going off on astrology, but it’s only part of my point. If you want more on its inherent bullshit, go here.

I keep using words like “proof” and “evidence” on here because, well, they’re kinda important. There’s no proof that a divine being has laid out your path for you and there’s no evidence that distant planets are having any sort of effect on you (if you go to that link you’ll see there’s evidence that they, in fact, have ZERO effect on anyone). And yet people still get duped into believing it because they’re too fucking lazy to ask simple questions like “can you prove that?”

So no, let’s not take responsibility for our lives. Hand them over to God. After all, should something terrible happen to you (contracting AIDS, losing all your extremities, taken hostage by Canadian terrorists, etc), you’ll at least have someone else to blame.

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This is easily my longest post ever, so kick back and enjoy. Unless you’re part of the school administration, in which case I ask you to consider the following. By no means am I alone in these thoughts…

My school is slowly being taken over by people who, in all fairness, probably aren’t aware that the 1950’s have ended.

First of all, the kids who piss and moan about school rules, the staff, etc. for no real reason other than they’re the ones with power are quite annoying. You know, the kids that scream oppression when they turn in a paper 2 days late… I’m not one of those. In fact, up until this year I’ve never had any sort of problem with our administration. Alas, all that changed around mid-August.

Now, I realize that prior to this year our principal had been pretty lax with rules but we’d also never had any problems. Fights? Few and far between. Problematic students that needed to be dealt with? Not many. Shootings? Nope (though it’s ludicrous how easy that would be). However, we received a new principal this year and while none of the above have changed, it’s been a bit harder for the good students to go about their daily business. So let’s start at the beginning…

August, a month prior to the beginning of school. A newsletter is sent out with the following:
“No student will be allowed to drive off campus during school hours.”

The greatest part to this is the obvious loophole it creates which is, well, not parking on campus. It’s ridiculous all the same, though. This was some hair-brained attempt to get students to stop cruising around at lunch, and that’s all it was. But why not do something logical like, oh, I dunno… Telling one of our four cops to take a break from fighting back the torrent of criminal activity that occurs in the metropolis of Troy, MT, for 20 minutes a day and park in the middle of town so people hell-bent on wasting gas could be pulled over when/if somebody had a complaint about their parking lot being used as a turning point. It’s almost as if they looked at all the ways to approach this problem, saw the one that was most likely to piss even more people off, and proudly pounced upon it.

What’s more is that next year, my senior year, they’ve decided to make it a closed campus. There’s no logic behind this either as far as I can tell. There was a loophole in the initial rule, and I do hope they weren’t expecting students not to exploit it, as I’d like to think those running the school aren’t complete morons. One reason anybody in a position of authority has mentioned to me for doing it is that they’d like to avoid any sort of lawsuit. You know, the kind where the student who’s barely smart enough to pass 8th grade English crashes into a telephone pole and breaks their face, causing an irate and equally dim parent to sue the school.

And here’s why that’s a complete load of bullshit: Let’s say they institute some sort of policy where you can’t even go outside and must eat lunch in a cafeteria (and sadly, that’s probably going to happen). I could trip coming down the stairs into the room, break my arm, and sue the school because there was no warning sign saying “caution, steep steps”. Look, a woman managed to sue McDonalds because her coffee was hot when she spilled it on herself, you think I couldn’t sue you for anything equally dumb?

Our neighboring town has several schools much larger than our own, yet they don’t have a closed campus, as is evident by the psychotic driving at their lunch hour. If lawsuits are really a problem, why aren’t they scared? And that’s another thing, I’d love to know where all this reckless driving is occurring that warrants it being restricted. If it’s so bad, why haven’t any students been arrested/warned in town during break? Oooh, that’s right! Our cops are either off fighting terrorism or simply not seeing it. And when you’re not seeing it in a town as small as ours, then it can’t be a very pressing issue.

My point is, you can be sued for anything, and outlawing my right to not eat what the school considers food in order to prevent it is absolute idiocy.

The other reason I’ve heard is to discourage “the drug problem”. This is outright laughable. Come on, closing campus at lunch hour to stop drug use is just as futile as making actual laws against using them. I’ll quote a friend of mine, who put it best:

“Rather than having a minority of students doing drugs and a majority of people happy at lunch hour, you’re going to have a minority of students doing drugs and a majority of people pissed off at lunch because they can’t go outside.”

People are going to continue, the difference is, they’ll be doing it in between class and in the bathroom far more often. Maybe we should outlaw bathroom breaks while we’re at it. Hey, there’s an idea! Not only would that solve the problem of hall wandering, it’d put a lot of students in a state of absolute torture for most of a block! A win-win situation!

While I’m on the subject of lunch break (given this is the only point of the day to relax at school, I find it rather important), I’ll mention the other idea they have. Stagger all the grades’ breaks. I’m not sure if this is a part of the closed campus policy or an alternative, but either way… It makes me wonder if the fine citizens on our school board attended a public school or have even the most rudimentary understanding of social activity. What if somebody in the sophomore class has friends mostly in the junior class? Hmm, guess their lunch is going to be one of stolid silence if they consider their classmates uninteresting and/or too stupid to talk to. And if you think that’s rare, you need to be smacked around with a large trout. But who cares? It’s their problem, not yours. I mean, we already love going to school, so sucking all the little joys out of it just fine.

Oh, and let’s not forget the profit loss for businesses around town. The store’s deli already lost a bunch this year with the semi-restrictions on driving, Eats & Treats probably makes most of their money off students so they may go down the toilet, and Town Pump, despite being happy with Jr. High having a closed-campus since it solved a lot of theft problems, might miss the shitload of kids they DO get at lunch that aren’t stealing.

That’s right, let’s fuck over some of the community while we’re at it. Tough luck for them. Things are clearly waaaaaaaaaaay out of hand right now regarding the students of THS. I mean, just look at it! The violence! The chaos! The rioting! Lions, tigers, bears, Oh my! Law must be enforced! Restrictions made! Birthdays taken away!

I’m sure somebody along the chain of command (I love associating military terms with our administration; it’s so appropriate) thinks lunch is solely for eating and we shouldn’t worry about it that much. Sure, and the only reason people play video games is to get a high score! They’re completely missing the point. It’s a time to socialize free of the restrictions held in classrooms, and I personally like to enjoy it. And sadly, my definition of enjoyment is not being sat in a cafeteria for half an hour. We dealt with that in elementary. What’s next, recess?

It’s good to know the same people who were probably picked on in high school and generally laughed at throughout their childhood are making ends meet by power tripping later on in life…

And then there are the hats. Oh boy, the hats. If you have any sort of object on your head, short of headgear necessary for breathing, it has to be off within a nanosecond of entering the school or it will be ripped from your grasp. Don’t believe it could be that big a deal? Here’s a fun story: One day a friend of mine entered a hall way with a camera on it. Apparently our principal doesn’t have anything better to do than stare at camera monitors all day, but anyways… As he’s walking, a teacher in a nearby classroom gets a call from The Man, receives directions to the kid in question, and orders him to remove his hat.

Ok, there’s a rule against it, I understand that, and furthermore I know teachers like to be able to see their students’ faces clearly while in the classroom. But for crying out loud, how is wearing a hat in the HALLWAY so disrespectful that you actually have to sit in front of a monitor, rather than doing something constructive like making more nit-picky rules, and watch closely for it? It’s like his very existence hinges on smashing any tiny bit of insubordination, however unintentional, with an iron fist.

We have also recently been issued a new dress code (which I guess “officially” goes into effect next year). The lot of it is nothing new: No vulgar/offensive shirts, gang signs (that’s right, no representin’ da hood out hurr in T-MT), etc. They did come up with a mildly decent one, though, which is you can no longer show your midriff. Now, granted, this does solve the problem of the hideously large people with denial issues parading around in shirts that show off their lower rolls, but it would’ve been cooler if they instituted some sort of weight restriction. “320 lbs? 5′ 3″? Put on a fucking parka!”

There are two new rules, however, that seem more like a means to end personal annoyances than to actually solve anything. Number one: “Hair must be worn in a way that is not disruptive to the school environment.” Disruptive to the school environment? HAIR? Not once, in the entirety of my education, have I ever been distracted by somebody’s hair color or style and I dare you to find one student without A.D.D who HAS been so bothered by it that they were unable to accomplish anything.

The other new one is just plain silly: “No sunglasses in the school buildings.” What the fuck? Ok, there’s a couple of people who do this, and yes, they’re morons for it. I for one openly mock them. But what exactly is being disrupted while you have them on in the hall? You know, it’s for this same reason that there shouldn’t be safety instructions on hot coffee, plastic bags, and lighters. If you can’t figure out the most basic things regarding your own well-being, life should be allowed to boot you out the door.

I ask you, how much thought do you think they give our opinions when they’re making rules against, of all things, hair and sunglasses?

And then there’s the man himself. I’ll refrain from personal judgments since I don’t actually know him, but I do have some lovely anecdotes. For example, during our mandatory first-day-of-the-year assembly, he starts talking about the new rule regarding driving, and then says this: “I know you think you’ve discovered a loop hole, but let me just say this: Every action… Has a reaction.” OoOh, you’ve struck fear into my heart, and with subtle intimidations like that, you’ll have the school whipped into shape in no time! I’m glad I got to hear that, because boy, I’d never thought about consequences before and I know most people 16 years or older haven’t either!

He uttered another piece of gold at the first semester academic awards assembly. As typical of any assembly involving teenagers, there’s a solid portion that would rather be asleep. So at the end, he walks up front and says, “Part of what I do here is observe. I like to observe you students. And watching you just now, I made the observation that the ones who aren’t clapping, are the ones who aren’t getting the awards… Just think about that.” Brilliant ‘observation’ sir, if I do say so myself! And I’m quite sure that the ones who could care less about what’s going on are going to spend the rest of the day pondering your stunning conclusion!

The Man does enjoy observing us though. Very much so. One day at lunch myself and about three other people were standing in a group, when one looked up to his office. He turned back to us to say, “He’s got his binoculars out again.” After getting over the word “again” being in there, I looked and sure enough, there’s our principal in his office window across the parking lot “observing” us. We waved courteously. Good lord, what’s next? Bugging the hallways and bathrooms?

And then there’s the time he announced over the PA system our girl’s basketball team’s victory, saying they just “defeated and beat” their opponent. Well, I’m certainly glad we did that! Had we just defeated them, and not beaten them as well, things may have gone horribly wrong!

What speaks volumes about the rule changes is the fact that the average student has a better idea about the condition of the school, rather than the asshat in charge who has little/no actual interactions with us (and interaction is not a free gift you get with binoculars). All these restrictions and rules aren’t making the administration look tough like they seem to be hoping, rather, it’s making them look pathetically easy to frighten.

Obviously a school couldn’t function without rules, but where things so bad in 2003-2004 that it warrants these sort of changes? Nobody I know thinks so… And what would we know? We’re not here for eight hours a day talking to each other, walking the halls, hearing about everybody else’s problems…

But what’s the point in speaking my mind on this? Indeed, what’s the point of any student speaking out against the rules? Why should they listen to us? Clearly they know best; they’re adults trapped in a small town with sadly low-paying jobs…

We can voice our opinions all we want, collect signatures, yell, scream, protest, but it’s useless in the end if those in charge are incapable of listening. And it seems as though they’ve already dismissed our thoughts as insignificant: Nobody is asking what the students think, nor is anybody making a great deal of effort to explain what is to happen next year while there’s still time for us to speak out in some meaningful way. It seems like they want to sweep it under the rug and keep it quiet until next year, where they’ll spring it on us the first day and say, “Ha, you LOSE!” I’m sure they know once these rules go into effect they become much harder to change, but it’s a good thing most of the students don’t…

Do I think students should govern themselves? Holy hell, absolutely not. But we should have some say on what’s fair and what isn’t. I’m sure they’ll read this sooner or later, so I’d love for them to refute any of the above without cowering behind the idea that “we’re older and we’re right” like most of the adults around here.

We can think, but I have my doubts that they can listen.

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