Some people like to celebrate Jesus’ superhuman powers today (we should have a day for Magneto and Spiderman too, while we’re at it; I mean come on, they’re just as cool!), but hear ye, Dave is no fan of that.

You see, somehow rabbits got all tangled up in this resurrection, “no really, we weren’t high at the time” business Christians started up after the big guy supposedly came back from the dead. No one is quite sure how this happened- Wikipedia suggests Germany had everything to do with it (those dastardly Germans, always toying with history!)- but beware: Acknowledging rabbits in any sort of celebratory manner relating to false idols (like, invisible men living in the sky; Davidians do not understand how anyone could be so foolish as to believe such a load of crap) is a sin in Dave’s eyes, and you will most certainly be banished to the filth of India for all eternity should you ignore this.

But some ask, “how can we know that Dave does not approve of the eating of chocolate rabbits, or the receiving of gifts from heathen rabbits?” The answer to this question was found on a cave wall under the F.A.Q section of the earliest form of Dave’s holy book (predating even the first draft!). The text preceding the illustration was, “I accepted a Marshmallow bunny* for Easter. How does Dave feel about this?”

Answer:

*Coincidentally, this proves the suspicion that all marshmallow treats provided at holidays today are from a batch created sometime prior to 1000 AD.

Remember: Ancient cave drawings are just as reliable as hazy, ancient personal accounts of biased followers. So take heed today, all you sinners: Dave is casting very disapproving looks at your chocolate rabbits. VERY disapproving looks.

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