Santa God, Part I
In honor of the holidays, I could post some sort of long, detailed rant about why Christmas is a load of nonsense- how it was Christianity trying to compete with the Pagan holiday season, how it has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus, and all the other fun stuff that religious folk try to ignore. Or I could do something that hasn’t already been done better (here), and write a three-part script about the holiday spirit as seen through the eyes of a young chitlin named Jake. I personally liked the latter idea more.
I’m postin’ this using Scrippets, so it reads down like the actual script. It might be foreign-looking for some, but I think the lot of you will get it.
Anyways, I give you Santa God. Part I.
EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY
Six or seven second graders work tirelessly to build a snowman. One of those things that has to be done before the bell rings and you get imprisoned in a classroom for the rest of the day. Snowmen. Life or death. a true testament to the skill and willpower of a child’s mind.
It devolves into a snowball fight.
JAKE
Look at ‘em.
JAKE, 7, and MARK, 5, sit on the steps overlooking the snowy playground and eat their lunches. Jake has ham. Mark has turkey.
Mark looks up from his lunch at the kids, then looks at Jake.
MARK
Can I haf an oreo?
JAKE
See that Mark? You think Santa approves of that nonsense?
Mark looks over at the group and grins.
MARK
SNOWBALLS!
He starts to get up.
JAKE
What- where are you going?
MARK
But I like... They taste good...
JAKE
...Sit down.
Mark sits back down.
JAKE
Mark, if Santa saw you flingin’ snowballs at innocent bystanders, you think he’d give you any presents? Hmm?
MARK
Ima cent standards?
JAKE
Innoce... Nevermind. Here, I’ll split an oreo with you. You know why? ‘Cause Santa loves it when we share.
MARK
YAY!
SUSIE, 7, an adorable, short little girl with brown hair, stops as she walks by.
SUSIE
You STILL believe in Santa?
Jake looks up at her with the same look most people reserve for an infection. Mark nibbles happily at his oreo half.
JAKE
Why wouldn’t I?
SUSIE
My big brother says Santa isn’t real.
JAKE
Yeah well, girls believe anything. OH MY GOD LOOK IT’S A WEASEL RIDING A BICYCLE!
Jake emphatically points behind Susie. She turns around and gasps.
JAKE
See?
SUSIE
Bite me. At least I don’t still believe in Santa.
JAKE
Alright Suz- you mind if I call you Suz?
SUSIE
YES.
Jake notices a little cross around her neck.
JAKE
Ok Suz. Lemme ask you something.
Susie scowls.
JAKE
Does God leave presents under your tree once a year?
SUSIE
No...
JAKE
Will God bring you Call of Duty 4 when you wanna blow up Arabs?
SUSIE
I...
JAKE
Ever seen God at the mall?
Susie starts to wimper in confusion.
JAKE
Come on Susie, you pray and you pray to God but what ever comes of it? Huh? Nothin’. But when you write a Christmas list what happens? Santa delivers, that’s what.
SUSIE
Mommy says only empty people don’t believe in God...
JAKE
Oh that’s all circumstantial. But does that matter to you? Noooo, of course not. No evidence, no proof- just your parents telling you what to do. You like doing everything your parents tell you to?
Susie stammers in frustration. Mark looks up from his turkey sandwich, oblivious to the conversation.
MARK
Did you know that Oreos are made out of conackulated elves?
Jake and Susie stare at Mark.
MARK
I like oreos...
Mark smiles as he chomps back down on his sandwich. Jake stands up.
JAKE
WELL SUSIE, I won’t stand for that. I WON’T stand for circumstantial evidence and authority figures telling me WHO to believe in. I only believe in what’s tangible, what’s REAL.
Susie is on the brink of tears. Jake slowly walks up to her face.
JAKE
And you know who that is?
Jake pauses and saviors the moment.
JAKE
SANTA CLAUS. And he’s gonna drop a load of coal on your puppy this year for not believing in him!
Susie runs off crying. Jake grins satisfactorily, and sits back down with Mark.
JAKE
Girls are stupid.
Mark looks up at him, confused.
MARK
What’s circumcisionial?
For some reason, this reminded me of Expelled.
so ignoring this kid’s diction, i would have never hung out with a five year old when i was seven.
I see that you’re going with the Calvin and Hobbes school of thought regarding early childhood intellectual capacity.
This is a Christmas story.
They’re not realistic.
Shit, even Christmas isn’t realistic.