INT. FALLON HOUSEHOLD – EVENING

The news. Football. News. Lifetime. UFOs. Jesus. Zombies.

Jake flicks uninterested through the channels from the couch. His parents quietly enter the room. Dad has a Dead shirt on. Mom is wearing a blatantly festive vest.

DAD

Sweet zombies!

MOM

Carson!

DAD

I mean- Jake! turn that shit off!

MOM

...Language!

DAD

Jesus- ahem, “jeez”. Oh come on, it’s not like he understands any of that yet.

JAKE

(staring into TV)

Shits not nearly as bad as fuck.

Dad stifles a laugh. Mom glares at him. He shrugs.

MOM

Jake, Susie’s mom just called...

Jake rolls his eyes.

MOM

She said you upset her pretty good today.

JAKE

Cooties make girls stupid.

DAD

Oh I wish it were that simple...

Mom gives dad that “look” and turns back to Jake.

MOM

You need to learn some respect, young man- and in front of your little brother! He takes after you, don’t you know that? You’re apologizing to her tomorrow.

JAKE

But MOM! She said Santa isn’t real! All I did was say the same thing about God! Except I had better evidence, of course, and-

MOM

Jacob! It is RUDE to insult somebody’s beliefs.

JAKE

She insulted mine!

MOM

Jake Santa isn’t real.

Mom looks embarrassed. Awkward silence.

DAD

...Smooth.

MOM

Shut up.

Jake gapes at them with disgust.

JAKE

You’re kidding, right?

MOM

Jake...

JAKE

NO, I don’t get it! The milk and cookies, the presents, the smelly fat guy in the mall who looks just like the pictures and who listens to what I want and then BAM, I get it. You tell me all that’s wrong but you keep tryin’ to make me believe that every Sunday when we sit in a building with two wooden sticks nailed together at the top and sing that there’s this invisible old guy in the clouds listenin’ in, and THAT’S all just fine! Even though HE doesn’t give me presents, I never see HIM at the mall, and as far as I know, GOD DOESN’T EAT COOKIES. I DON’T GET IT.

His parents stare at him like cows at a train. His mom sputters in frustration.

MOM

You’re about one step away from being grounded for christma-

JAKE

I don’t care! Santa will understand if I have to yell at non-believers, because it’s THE ONLY WAY TO GET A WORD IN OVER YOUR STUPID.

Jake storms off upstairs. A door slams. His parents stand in silence for a moment.

DAD

Fight the power little man, fight the power.

MOM

And you’re not helping! You’re practically egging him on-

DAD

Oh what’s the harm? You know if we stop taking him to church somebody’d have to stay home with him-

MOM

Don’t even think about it.

DAD

I’m just sayin’- valuable jam time, Sunday mornings.

Mom shakes her head and walks off. Dad stands confused for a moment, then shrugs the whole thing off. He plops down on the couch and flips to the History Channel.

DAD

UFOs! ...With Peter goddamned Jennings! Oh man, this is the real deal. Honey- HONEY! You’re gonna miss THE TRUTH!

No answer.