INT. JAKE & MARK’S BEDROOM - EVENING

Jake slams the door. Mark jumps up from his bed, surprised.

MARK

BEAST WARS!

JAKE

I don’t believe this- can you believe this Mark?!

Jake looks over and notices Mark is wearing a tin foil hat and an Optimus Prime mask. He stares silently at Jake. Jake continues, unphased.

JAKE

IT’S NOT FAIR. Why- how come they getta call Santa fake but I can’t even tell a GIRL she’s stupid for believing in God?!

Jake storms to his door and stops just short of it.

JAKE

THIS IS OPPRESSION. YOU HEAR ME?! OPPRESSION. LIKE THE JEWS.

He walks hastily back to Mark and knocks off the Prime mask and foil hat.

MARK

But I’m a space robot...

JAKE

Come on Mark, we’re gonna make them repent for their sins!

MARK

I DON’T LIKE SNAKES.

Jake pulls Mark off the bed and helps him into a coat. Jake puts his on and looks out their window: four feet below is the garage.

EXT. FALLON HOUSEHOLD - NIGHT

Jake drops silently onto the garage roof and helps Mark out. They tip-toe to the edge and Jake hops off into a snow berm. Mark gleefully follows suit. They head towards a shed in the backyard.

EXT. FALLON BACKYARD - NIGHT - LATER

A red canister empties liquid into a trench in the snow. Jake tosses it away and exhales with satisfaction, stepping backwards to his little brother. He turns to Mark, who’s staring aimlessly into the sky.

MARK

Shiny... Cadillacs...

JAKE

Mark, Santa is really gonna appreciate what we’re doing for him. In fact, he might even bring you more presents for this.

Mark dances a little jig.

JAKE

Mark... Lighter.

Mark hands over the lighter with idiotic pride. Jake flicks it on and tosses it in a trench. The snow lights up with orange flame.

INT. FALLON HOUSEHOLD - EVENING

Dad sits on the couch, passed out. Mom enters the room- cautiously at first, then angrily.

MOM

CARSON!

He falls off the couch in surprise.

DAD

STASH IT BEHIND THE PAINTING.

Dad blinks at Mom. She hurries over to him, determined.

DAD

I mean-

MOM

WHAT did I tell you about lighting up in the house?! We have kids now, Jesus!

DAD

Hey man I wasn’t toking. Peter Jennings is on and-

MOM

What’s that smell then?

They hold in suspended animation.

MOM

JACOB!

EXT. FALLON BACKYARD - NIGHT

Mom and Dad burst out the back door. Flames lick the air twenty feet above Jake and Mark, who stand in silent awe.

MOM

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

JAKE

I’m warning Santa, Mom!

MARK

GIVING STICKS TO THE MAN!

Mark thrusts a fist into the air.

Mom takes a step back from the flames. From the air, the fire in the snow spells out a message:

SANTA, PLZ FIREBOMB THIS HOUSE. KTHX.

MOM

Carson go get the hose!

JAKE

NO DAD.

Mom and Dad stare at Jake. Flames punish the sky like the very fires of hell behind him.

JAKE

You guys don’t get it- Santa has to be real! If he’s not real why am I good all year? Who brings the presents an’ sits in the mall an’ knows what I’m doing and... It just doesn’t... Make any...

Jake collapses to his knees and starts crying. His dad calmly walks over to him and kneels down.

DAD

Hey little man, lemme tell ya something... Your mom has been draggin’ me to church for the last eight years. Eight years, dude, of early mornings, awful awful songs, and scripture passages trippier than Hunter Thompson after a bad night in Amsterdam. But you know what?

Dad leans in close to Jake and almost whispers.

DAD

I never listen.

MOM

CARSON!

Dad holds up a finger to Mom. Jake looks up a little.

DAD

And that’s cool. You know why? ‘Cause I don’t hurt nobody man. I don’t steal, I don’t cheat, nothin’. I hafta play along sometimes but hey- I’m happy! An’ aside from when the guys come over to jam, I think your Mom is happy with me too.

Jake looks up at his dad.

DAD

I eat the cookies. We put out the presents. Marv from down the street chills in the mall all month dressed up as Santa and makes less money than I did busking in Scranton... Santa ain’t real dude, and I’m pretty sure God innit either. But you know what? We’re real. And we’re together.

Dad looks up at the fire and snow covering his lawn, laughing a little.

DAD

Maybe it took settin’ the yard on fire but I think you get it, right man?

Jake smiles.

JAKE

Yeah.

His dad rubs his head playfully.

DAD

Yeah. You got it.

Mom sprays down the flames with a hose. Smoke fills the yard.

MOM

Alright, back to bed everyone.

Dad stands.

DAD

Yeah dudes, don’t ya know it’s Christmas tomorrow?

Jake has an excited grin on his face while they all trudge inside. Mark stops just short of the door.

MARK

But if spoons aren’t real, we can’t be space robots...

Dad gently pushes Mark into the house.

DAD

Right on, man. Right on.

FADE OUT.