So there I was Monday night in downtown Bozeman, “helping” (different rant) with a junior’s film shoot. This particular scene that we were shooting involved a drunken truck driver swerving around a road at stupid speeds and (in the film’s reality) running the fuck over a suicidal immortal. Having a nifty truck, I was elected to be the drunk. Naturally a scene like this calls for road closures, so a permit was obtained, the appropriate people notified (police, city, nearby residents), and “road closed” signs put up at every entrance to this street. I mean, we can’t have me smashing into oncoming traffic.

Now, keep in mind these are real “road closed” signs; the sorts they’d put in front of a cliff leading down to infinity and/or an enormous barrel of demonic monkeys. And just in case those didn’t work, we even put up big fancy orange road cones (the five feet tall kind) on the sides. Allow me to illustrate this:

As you can see, my path is safely blocked off, right? WRONG. First rehearsal of the shot, I come barreling down (about 30 mph) the road, swerving and all that jazz. Just before I get to the camera, a white car comes pulling through the barrier in the top right of the illustration. Now I was already pressing on the brakes because I only wanted to get a feel for the action (hence, rehearsal) but had I not been, they would’ve got a side full of S10. That wasn’t the first car of the night to do that, but it WAS the first (and thankfully only) one that could’ve hurt something. Strangely, the sound guy is the only other person who was just as confused and concerned as I was, so we move some cones and even went as far as pushing one sign back between parallel parked cars (leaving zero room for maneuvering around). Alas, we couldn’t do that with all the signs…

I don’t know if there’s a word or phrase to accurately describe what took place over the next half hour of shooting (shocking, utter failure of the theory that people are born with common sense comes close, I suppose). But I spent most of the time between takes around the corner (where the truck is in the illustration) waiting for action to be called via cell phone since I was out of earshot. As a result, I had a chance to observe a lot of traffic being introduced to the signs, and these people generally fell into two groups:

Group A - Mentally challenged, but cautious. These people would drive right up to the sign after turning onto the street, and proceed to sit there for several minutes. I imagine conversations in their vehicles went like this:

“Road closed… Huh.”
“What’ddya think that means?”
“I’m not sure. Don’t look like we can go around. That’s just odd. Why would anyone put up a sign like that?”
“Beats me… Couldn’t be anythin’ serious like a busted pipe under the road or maybe some construction.”
“Obviously.”
“Huh.” (picks nose)

In two cases I flashed my brights and, when one of them thought they should start to pull around, I sped up and stopped in their path. So, this species of degenerate fucktard was annoying, but largely harmless. Buuuut then there’s…

Group B - The larger of the two, this group is illiterate and proudly lacking any common sense. These folks drove right up to the signs and felt it was perfectly ok to move them and go around, some without any hesitation whatsoever. In one instance, one of them revved their engine and drove over the curb instead- too lazy to turn around, and far too lazy to move the sign and not risk damaging their vehicles, I guess. I estimate that, in the span of 30 minutes, no less than half a dozen people in Group B came along. But my favorite moment with these unlovable cunts occurred while waiting between takes: A white car pulled up to the sign across the road from my waiting area, and in less than five seconds a man got out the passenger side and proceeded to move the road cone on the side of the sign, all while talking on his cell phone as if his actions were just as common as tying his shoe (though, after seeing this, I seriously suspect he has trouble doing that). Once I attached my jaw back onto my skull, I got out and walked over to him. As I did, his car slowly started to pull forward (there’s a driver and another passenger still inside). The conversation went like this:

“Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?”
The man stares at me for a moment, confused, then slowly says, “We’re going through here…”
“You know, the road closed signs are up for a reason.”
“…What’re you doing?”
“We’re shooting a movie, we have permits and city officials are notified. And moving road signs without permission is pretty much illegal.”
“…Ah. So… Do you want us to turn around?”
Given that the car was already halfway there and that we weren’t shooting, I told him “don’t fucking do it again” and moved the sign behind my truck to let them through.

Less fun was a take or two before that moment, when a kid came around the corner to the left of my waiting area with his lights off, stopped by me, got out and without saying anything, began to move the sign behind my truck. I rolled my window down:

“Hi.”
“How’s it going?”
“What the FUCK are you doing?”
“…I live here. What the fuck are you doing?”
“We’re shooting a movie dammit, the signs are up for a reason.”
“Well I turned my lights off.”

I didn’t feel like getting in a fight, so I got out and moved the sign. But fucking hell, since when does “road closed” translate to “turn your lights off and go around”? Even small children, with their miniscule mental capacity and limited reasoning abilities would be able to figure out that A) The camera is STILL going to see your haggard-ass truck rolling down the road because, omg, God invented street lights to illuminate the road and B) the fact that your lights are off makes it even MORE distracting.

Never in my life have I seen such an astounding display of stupidity. In the three years that I’ve been posting on this site, there is not ONE moment that I feel compares to this. Ok sure- think for yourself, question authority, and all that other wonderful stuff that makes for an intelligent populous. But for fuck’s sake, “road closed” is not like “eat your vegetables”. It’s not an option, it’s not a suggestion- it’s a FACT. It means the road is unsuitable for traveling because there’s a cliff ahead, there’s construction, a busted pipe, fresh asphalt, people working, flocks of midgets, pants, dinosaurs and/or fucking quicksand ahead. It means, YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

…Actually, after discussing this with my brother, I think “Road closed - Quicksand” might be more effective:

“Road closed. Well fuck this I’m go-… Wait, quicksand? Oh shit… Well, damn. I mean potentially causing thousands in damage by wandering over construction is fine and stuff, but… Quicksand. That shit eats people. Fuck this, I’m turning around.”

So here’s to Bozeman, now home of the main reason I have no hope for the human race. Cheers.